I’ve been in a holding pattern the past few weeks. Trying to stay the course, to not quit before I have a new job lined up.
I’ve managed to keep going, and had some good days, but I’m just doing that. Holding on. I barely leave the house, I hardly see friends and spend my time either sleeping or on television series-watching marathons.
I am sleeping way too much. And I’m coming to realize I’ve been using it as an avoidance strategy.
I’m becoming disgusted at my laziness and weight problems. I know I need to become more active, to find a new hobby or inspiration to get out of the house. Physical activity has often helped me feel better.
But no action yet. Well, perhaps blogging is a first step.
I do need new contact lenses, but that’s not what I mean. I think that I’m getting so tense and tired and stressed and upset that my views are becoming distorted.
Every time I wake up, I’m thinking about my work conflict. Any time my mind is not fully occupied with a task, it’s going back to the work conflict. I’m annoyed that I’m letting this take up so much of my energy!
I’m remember how zen I was at many points last spring. I want to find that again. Things I will work on this weekend:
– be in the present
– notice when work stress is creeping back to my thoughts and say “No!” – this is my time, not work time
– find time to meditate
– move around, get out of the house
I received a reminder yesterday that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. Finally! My last appointment was in August because I was doing so well, feeling high spirited and ready to reduce some of my medication. No need to see the doctor for three months. What a laugh. Things have fallen so far since then!
I also haven’t been seeing my therapist since last spring as I was so busy then and my yoga training was a form of therapy. But right now I have nothing and I think I’m feeling the strain of not having their support and insights.
I also stopped blogging so much, losing out on my self-analysis and your helpful insights! Already, having started blogging again this week has been a great release.
I went into work today ready to quit unless other work arrangements can be sorted out. Instead of discussing things first thing, however, I got caught up in impromptu training so I waited for an opening.
When I did discuss things with my boss, it was clear that he would talk to my colleague about his treatment of me, but that was it – no other arrangements. I decided to hold out a little longer, but said I would be out of there the next time.
I was very stressed and tense all afternoon since no solutions were in the offing, but I am staying for now as at least I don’t have to work with the tyrant for a few more days. I’m trying to look at it this way:
-If I stay one more day, then I make $– more dollars.
-Apply for as many jobs as possible while I can.
-Give one more chance before quitting.
-Mental health is number one priority. Quit if you have to.
As I walked home today, I could feel all the tension in my body. It’s like I need to have a good cry to just release it, but I’m not able to. Instead I started chanting a mantra to myself as I walked: It’s – not – worth – it.
Life is too short to be miserable (especially after five years of depression!). If things don’t improve next week, I owe it to myself to get out of a toxic work environment.
So, I hate my new job. I was almost crying when I left today. It is so stressful with horrible and long hours. And constant criticism. I am so full of tension, I shake for hours after I leave. I think I will need to increase my meds back to what they were as this job makes me feel on the brink of a nervous breakdown. And I was doing so well!
Please wish me luck in finding a new job soon. I’m not sure how much longer I can take this without quitting. But if I’ve learned anything over the past few years, it’s that your health needs to come first. 😦
I slept in late today (i.e. past lunch) and worried I’d be in for another depressive weekend. I’m supposed to get some work done this weekend, so that was hardly the best start.
The good news is that I’m starting to get over my nasty summer cold. But it’s still lingering a bit and today I was struck by a major urge to clean. No need to succumb to allergies right after the cold!
So after showering and going out for coffee, I really went at it. Removed all the clutter I’d piled in my apartment as I was moving things around between my two storage units. Took down the recycling that had piled up. Found that something is wrong with the attachment on my vacuum so I actually went around my bedroom on my hands and knees with just the hose, vacuuming up every speck of dust, cat hair and dust bunnies. I did so much cleaning I actually worked up a sweat, so I’m feeling more energized. Might finally be ready to work soon.
This seems to be quite a routine for me, established in university. I have something I need to study or work on and first thing I have to do? Clean, rearrange furniture, make everything just so. I’m glad to have gotten the urge today, as I really tackled some of the cleaning I’d left half-finished for a awhile. It feels nice to clear those burdens.
Now I’m pausing for a break and some lemonade, but I think this has turned the tide for the weekend and I should be able to stay productive.
I did it! I was disciplined and I went to the gym after work. And I ran!
I’m easing myself back into long distance running, so today I did a combination of running and walking for 30 minutes. For some annoying reason, treadmills in Canada seem to be set in miles more often than not, which doesn’t mean much to me. But it said I did 2.05 miles, which is about 3.3 km. Not a bad start! I did two stretches of running 5 minutes straight to begin, but then slowed down some as my body wasn’t ready for more and I was getting a bit dizzy. So for the rest of the time I did a mix of 1, 2 and 3 minute running sets.
I was also social and went out with two friends. 🙂
The only missed goal today was being on time for work. But considering I was struggling to go at all after insomnia last night, I’d say that is a win because the key thing is that I went.
Overall, the day was great despite the pouring rain. I have some new work projects that are more engaging, and I got a lot done today while still feeling relaxed.
I think the key to today’s success was this: I didn’t go straight home after work where the temptation to sleep always seems to set in. I went straight to my workout and then out to meet my friends, so my energy didn’t have a chance to dip.
It’s been a tough couple of weeks with a lot of changes and a bit of backsliding, depression-wise. So it’s time to take action.
I’ve created a new challenge so that I can focus on doing things for the next week. Hopefully that will help kick start me into a new summer routine. I want to start running again. And I haven’t gone beyond the first run I took in April!