Do I stay or do I go?

Two things are causing me enormous stress at the moment: my job and finances. I need one to pay for the other, but what if it’s also making me sick?

I’ve almost quit my job so many times. I’ve never worked with such conflict before, and interpersonal conflict is not my strong suit. I’m constantly stressed and my psoriasis has flared up again, always a physical warning.

And I’ve been feeling so hopeless.

I’ve tried working things out with my colleague, but things improve for a few days and then turn more sour. I just don’t believe things can change anymore. Since starting this job I have:
– needed to increase my medications
– suffered from poor sleep and felt constantly tired
– increasingly withdrawn from everything around me as the job leaves me so exhausted I don’t have energy to do anything else
– had my whole head break out in psoriasis
– had so much tension I needed two sessions of massage therapy and yet the pain remains
– felt that I was going to have a nervous breakdown
– thought things would never improve and that it may not be worth living.

Only the love of my cat and not wanting her to be homeless is keeping me going. I’ve fallen so far from the optimism I had this spring.

The job isn’t the kind of work I want to do and it’s well below my abilities. I only took the job for access to internal opportunities and stability. But I’m feeling anything but stable, so more and more I’m coming to this conclusion: I have to quit.

It was a long weekend and after venting to everyone I thought maybe I could stick it out a few more weeks. But I’m home sick today because I can’t bear to go into work. This is also a really bad sign and not something that has otherwise troubled me in the past year.

So more and more, I think the answer is that I need to go. This will be a huge financial strain but I can move, take a lower paying job for now… But my health? It’s so much more important.

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Low energy

Today was a low energy day. I’m not sure why. I just didn’t feel like doing anything and felt so tired. The sun was out again, but the only time I inspired myself to go outside was for Hagen Daaz ice cream. :-S Not a good thing.

I didn’t get anything done and cancelled my tentative plans for the evening.

This means that tomorrow I will have a lot of studying to do for my test on Wednesday. I think I will have to wake up early and spend a lot of time at a coffee shop with caffeine and lack of opportunity to sleep. Because the test is in the morning and I’ve been sleeping in so much!

Feeling so out of shape

I’m ready to go back to the gym. I mean, I’ve been paying for it since the fall, but for whatever reason (insane yoga hours and tiring work situation, financial stress, etc.), I haven’t been going. What a waste!

Now that my work situation is somewhat sorted, I’m noticing the lack in the fitness department. I mean, I’ve been doing bits and pieces about once a week, but generally nothing strenuous. I noticed I was really out of breath yesterday just talking while walking up stairs.

And this is the summer when I really want to get back into running.

So I’ve made a decision. Starting tomorrow I will go to the gym in the morning before work. Nothing too extensive, probably alternating between a half hour of running or swimming. The good thing is that the gym is on my way to my new job. (Another one of my previous excuses.)

I decided to go in the morning because I’ve been so tired lately, crashing when I get home from work. I’m hoping a quick run at the gym will energize me in the morning and that I can carry on from there.

I’ve packed my gym bag and work clothes and put them by the door. Hopefully that will make it easy for me to stick to my commitment tomorrow morning.

It always starting that gives me the most trouble, so the aim for tomorrow is to just do it. Good thing my Nikes are packed. 😉

Antisocial

I’ve been very down and antisocial the past few days. I had a good but exhausting weekend at yoga training. I taught my second class and it went okay. The only thing that went wrong over the weekend really was that I’ve lost my spare keys so I’ve been stressing over that since I have a house guest.
Only one set of keys means planning everything out. Being home at a certain time, not going to yoga if I feel I need to on the spur of the moment. I spent hours and hours over the weekend looking for the keys, ripping my whole apartment apart and putting it back together again. No luck. I probably should have slept instead.
On Monday I had a lot of trouble waking up, despite at least nine hours of sleep. I ended up having to go home at lunch and slept the day away. In the evening I looked more for the keys, to no avail except my further aggravation. I think my friend thinks I’m crazy. I went out for a walk and bought some Haagen Dazs which I snuck back to my room and I ate it all. I don’t know why.
Despite sleeping all day I managed to sleep through the night and I still felt terrible in the morning so I called in sick. God I hope that I’m no relapsing into depression. I hope it’s the allergies, a heavy period and the number of things on my plate because that at least gives me hope that it’s something that will pass once this allergy season ends and my schedule evens out.
I’m wishing my friend away for no reason except that I feel crappy and like to be alone when I do.
Sorry, today’s post is just a pile of complaints. I just feel off and that’s all there is to say.

Today’s yogi tea message

This weekend sucked. It was my first weekend off and I had all these plans. I had to do some stuff for work but I was going to do it at the gym on an exercise bike and at a coffee shop while sipping a latte. I was going to go to the yoga classes I can’t normally attend while training. I was going to rest and I was going to have fun and recharge.

I didn’t leave the house and barely left my bed.

There was a point on Sunday morning where I almost turned things around. But I think I made a conscious decision not to.

Why do I keep doing this?

My only bursts of activity on the weekend came when I was cleaning on Saturday night and, on Sunday night, when I finally showered and tried to figure out how to do all that I was supposed to have done over the weekend.

Unsurprisingly, I had insomnia last night and then I was exhausted and pretty useless today.

But I did go to work. For me, being there in body is just as important as being there in mind, because attendance is a challenge for me. I only have a few more weeks to this contract, so I’m determined not to miss any more time.

I’m hoping that this weekend was to get the blahs out of the way so that I can actually do stuff on Easter weekend. We shall see.

Which brings me my tea. The inspiring message attached to my yogi tea just now is this:

Those who live in the past limit their future.

So I continue to move forward. But I don’t want to keep repeating the same unhealthy behaviour. So please help remind me on Easter weekend to be active, to live in the moment, and to not procrastinate. Rest does not mean turning into a sloth and avoiding things that will make you happy.

On that note, I’d best get to sleep so that tomorrow makes for a much better day.

Goodnight,
DBH xx

I think I overdid it

I had a wonderful weekend at yoga teacher training. My favourite so far because, despite all the hard work, I felt happy and energized.

But I think I overdid it. This morning I literally could not wake up. Despite having had a relaxing bath and going to bed around ten, I couldn’t wake up at 8 am! So I called in sick at work.

It’s disappointing to miss work, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. My body obviously needed more recuperation as I slept most of the day away.

Moving forward, this is my thinking:
-Take today for the health day that it was and start anew tomorrow without guilt.
-Postpone my challenge by a day. I obviously needed a break today.
-Don’t use the fallout as an excuse not to exercise. I exercised for more than four hours yesterday, and many more the two days before. Making a commitment to exercise for thirty minutes a day will not lead to the same effect. And it will help to build my strength for more intense days.

I’m still sleepy so hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight.

A zombie in the making

Apparently I’m starting to look like a zombie. Some friends came over today and said I honestly look really exhausted. I’d had a nap before they came but they asked if I would be going straight back to bed after they left because I looked so wiped.

A colleague noted when I came back to the office today because they could hear my jaw-cracking yawns.

I’d seriously considered leaving work early but then I stuck it out.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not suffering excessive insomnia. I’m waking up early but still at least getting a solid 6 hours of sleep before the insomnia starts to disturb me. I’ve cut down on unnecessary burdens on my time. Why am I so drained?

I’m so tired of feeling tired! And I’m sure you are tired of hearing about it. 😉 But it is concerning as it affects everything I do. I think it is the cloud of stress hanging over me, but a lot of my stressors are out of my control.

I had a nice Epsom salt bath and now I’m having dinner and getting ready for some “electronic therapy”. I’m starting to watch The Walking Dead. At least I look lively in comparison to those zombies!