A mini breakdown and recovery

Today I had an important test I knew I could ace, and yet I mismanaged my time and wasn’t able to finish. I was so frustrated and angry with myself, and I had a mini breakdown.

I cracked. I cancelled everything planned later in the day and buried myself in bed. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hide, I wanted the relief of sleep. I slept for hours. Constructive, I know.

But then I woke up. And I felt a bit more compassionate towards myself. Yes, I didn’t do as well as I could have, but I had been exhausted from lack of sleep. Also, it is still good practice for other tests and maybe I will do better than I thought. Nothing I can do about it now. Just learn for next time.

And I had a surge of energy and started to tackle a lot of things I’d left half done. I got rid of clothes that didn’t fit, purged clutter in my room and completely organized my closet. It felt so nice as these were things I’d been wanting to do for quite a while and the clutter always weighed on me.

So at the end of the day, I’m feeling more neutral — not upset over the test as that is finished and there is nothing to do but wait for the results, and satisfied with my decluttering progress. I was triggered for the potential of crashing, but managed a bit of compassion to reenergize and inspire myself in other ways.

Today: A 3/4 Failure

You could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worried that I would spend the day in bed sleeping and procrastinating because I was worried. And that’s what I did.

I slept ALL day. Yes I was tired and sleeping in was justified, but this was above and beyond. Pure avoidance. I avoided the gym, I avoided yoga, and most of all I avoided working on the yoga class I am to teach and studying for my test later in the week. What productive actions!

I am so annoyed at myself.

But though I wasted 3/4 of the day, I did turn things around for the last quarter. I got out of bed, ordered takeout and did the cleaning I’d been procrastinating on all week. It took less than an hour and was well worth it. Not having to wade through a physical mess means less mental strain as well. I still avoided my yoga, but at least I took some steps to prepare for my test. It’s a language test, so I worked a bit on my old texts, but I don’t think that will be useful. So I watched a foreign film which I think is more productive, as it is my listening and oral skills that will be tested. I basically have to immerse myself in hearing the language for the next few days.

It’s now “bedtime” but I’m not really tired. (Ironically just as I wrote that I had a big yawn!) Nevertheless I’m going to bed now so that I can hopefully get back on track tomorrow.

Things to get through my thick skull:
-Procrastinating solves nothing and generates more stress
-Break things down! If I’m overwhelmed by a task, then take on a small piece of it and go from there.
-Remember the quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
-What would make me feel good: knowing I put forward an honest effort in reaching my goals.