I need new lenses

I do need new contact lenses, but that’s not what I mean. I think that I’m getting so tense and tired and stressed and upset that my views are becoming distorted.

Every time I wake up, I’m thinking about my work conflict. Any time my mind is not fully occupied with a task, it’s going back to the work conflict. I’m annoyed that I’m letting this take up so much of my energy!

I’m remember how zen I was at many points last spring. I want to find that again. Things I will work on this weekend:
– be in the present
– notice when work stress is creeping back to my thoughts and say “No!” – this is my time, not work time
– find time to meditate
– move around, get out of the house

I received a reminder yesterday that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. Finally! My last appointment was in August because I was doing so well, feeling high spirited and ready to reduce some of my medication. No need to see the doctor for three months. What a laugh. Things have fallen so far since then!

I also haven’t been seeing my therapist since last spring as I was so busy then and my yoga training was a form of therapy. But right now I have nothing and I think I’m feeling the strain of not having their support and insights.

I also stopped blogging so much, losing out on my self-analysis and your helpful insights! Already, having started blogging again this week has been a great release.

Until next time!

Be well.

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Psyching myself up to run

I’ve been meaning to start running again and have made a couple of false starts over the past month or two. Today I tried again.

I’ve actually signed myself up to run a half-marathon. Something I haven’t done in almost five years, and since many pounds ago.

Now that I’m finally over my cold, today I took steps to get myself outside to run. It took an extraordinary amount of mind games to do so.

Step 1:
I brought my running shoes in from the car yesterday and left them by the door where I could see them.

Step 2:
After a missed workout and headache this afternoon, I napped and then ate veggies and perked up.

Step 3:
I put on my running gear and went outside.

Step 4:
It started to rain literally the moment I went out the door! A sudden heavy rain. Way to test my resolve! Did I continue or go back inside? Would the rain last long? I knew it had taken weeks to get me to the point of putting on my running shoes and getting out the door, so I decided to continue. I looked in the direction I was planning to run and there weren’t so many clouds that way, so I hoped for the best, telling myself that I would simply run around the block if the rain got heavier.

Step 5:
It turned out to be isolated showers so the beginning was the worst of it. I was glad I had continued on. I started running towards the paths as I’m not so close to them anymore. I ran past people on their lawns and had it in my head that they were laughing at someone as fat as me out trying to run. I kept going.

Step 6:
I set out to run four 5-minute sets with one minute walking breaks in between. Set one: okay. Set two: okay. Set three: my heart rate was really elevated and I was out of breath, I ran two minutes and then walked a few minutes. I passed a lot of young people who I again had in my head as laughing at me – and I said to myself – so what? I could notice that my walking breaks were jauntier and I had to start somewhere. If I let what other people thought (or what I imagined they thought) get in my way, I’d only get more and more out of shape.

Step 7:
I was getting tired but I decided to fit in more spurts of running. Run two minutes and then you can walk again, run from this stoplight to the next stoplight and then you can walk again, one more block to get home, you can run that.

So I did it. I ran and walked for a total of 3.44 kilometres in 31 minutes. Sure I used to run 5 km in the same amount of time with longer stretches of running. But that wasn’t important.

Running is a mind game as much as it is about your body. Today the real goal was to just go outside and run however far I could get in 25-30 minutes.

Mission accomplished.

Next goal: to repeat this within the next two days.

Self-Reflection

Another one of my yoga homework tasks is self-reflection. Ironically, I have so much yoga homework that I’ve done a lot less self-reflection than normal. (Another reason is also that I still have a house guest.)

But tonight I will blog and self-reflect. 🙂

Today was a chaotic day at work. My supervisor was really, really stressed. So much so that I felt I needed to keep reassuring her that things would be okay.

I have general anxiety disorder, but the thing is that I think I generally perform well in a “real” crisis. It’s like there is no time to worry, I just have to do things to get stuff done. Here is where perhaps my procrastination gave me good training. By leaving everything to the last minute (a habit I had long before it was worry-driven), I’m used to performing under fire. So I’m generally ok in crisis mode. Though I do usually crash afterwards.

But I can’t this time! Because not only is this project nearing the end, so is my yoga teacher training and I need to be fresh to start a new job too.

So I think that for my self-reflection homework over the next few days, I’ll periodically assess how I am doing. Am I running myself to the limit? Am I taking a daily walk at lunch for fresh air and space to keep myself centered? Can I keep my focus on things I can control? Can I keep my composure and generate a calming presence?

I’d like reflect on how I handle this stressful week. And I want to do periodic checkins with myself where I assess if I am becoming stressed and if I can take an action to help with that. Take deep breaths, go for a walk, whatever. I need to work hard but I also need to be compassionate to myself so that I’m not burnt out in time for my next challenge.

That’s the plan, anyway! We’ll see how it goes! 🙂