Do I stay or do I go?

Two things are causing me enormous stress at the moment: my job and finances. I need one to pay for the other, but what if it’s also making me sick?

I’ve almost quit my job so many times. I’ve never worked with such conflict before, and interpersonal conflict is not my strong suit. I’m constantly stressed and my psoriasis has flared up again, always a physical warning.

And I’ve been feeling so hopeless.

I’ve tried working things out with my colleague, but things improve for a few days and then turn more sour. I just don’t believe things can change anymore. Since starting this job I have:
– needed to increase my medications
– suffered from poor sleep and felt constantly tired
– increasingly withdrawn from everything around me as the job leaves me so exhausted I don’t have energy to do anything else
– had my whole head break out in psoriasis
– had so much tension I needed two sessions of massage therapy and yet the pain remains
– felt that I was going to have a nervous breakdown
– thought things would never improve and that it may not be worth living.

Only the love of my cat and not wanting her to be homeless is keeping me going. I’ve fallen so far from the optimism I had this spring.

The job isn’t the kind of work I want to do and it’s well below my abilities. I only took the job for access to internal opportunities and stability. But I’m feeling anything but stable, so more and more I’m coming to this conclusion: I have to quit.

It was a long weekend and after venting to everyone I thought maybe I could stick it out a few more weeks. But I’m home sick today because I can’t bear to go into work. This is also a really bad sign and not something that has otherwise troubled me in the past year.

So more and more, I think the answer is that I need to go. This will be a huge financial strain but I can move, take a lower paying job for now… But my health? It’s so much more important.

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An okay start

Today I started my 8×8 challenge and I worried I was sunk before I started. I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach and wasn’t able to sleep for a long time.

But luckily, I still accomplished quite a lot for the day. Not all 8 tasks – I was feeling terrible late morning so I skipped the outdoors and had a nap. But I did the 6 other tasks and more besides. So I feel good about that.

I kept the exercise to a very gentle yoga class, but hopefully I’ll be feeling better tomorrow and can do more.

Here are my stickers. 😉

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Despite my best efforts

I feel like I have a hollow head today. Or that everything is hollow except my sinuses and ears. Those feel like they are twice the size they should be.

I slept in but got myself up for a shower and a walk, lunch and coffee. I’m all ready to settle down to work. But my head aches and I just want to go back to bed. Even though I slept tons last night!

I thought I was over my cold, but maybe it was just the relief from the medicine.

I don’t want to disappoint myself and not get my work done. Might snooze for an hour and try again. Gah.

Physically sick

I’m sick with a cold, which I think played a big part in my crash this week. It is good to feel a little more level-headed, but what I’ve noticed a lot today is this: my relief at having obvious physical proof of being sick.

With my never-ending kleenexes, congestion and coughing, everyone was so sympathetic as I returned to the office. Throughout the day people wished me well, hoped I would feel better soon, etc. It was very nice and left a warm feeling.

What a difference from whenever I’ve returned to work after days off due to depression or anxiety! First off, I didn’t feel shamed once I realized I was physically sick. I didn’t come back to the office ducking my head and trying to just do my job without getting anyone’s attention. Secondly, I didn’t have people looking at me with spoken or unspoken judgement: She doesn’t look sick. Must be nice to just take time off when you want. I looked sick. People could plainly see and accept that.

I’m not sure where I was going with this, because I am congested and tired. 😉 But I think it was something along these lines: Isn’t it interesting how much sympathy and support there is for a common cold in contrast to the avoidance, downcast eyes, embarrassment or antagonism encountered when missing work due to mental or invisible illnesses? I mean, really, one has me down for a few days whereas the other has had me down for the better part of five years. Which merits and requires more compassion?

Just a thought.

Antisocial

I’ve been very down and antisocial the past few days. I had a good but exhausting weekend at yoga training. I taught my second class and it went okay. The only thing that went wrong over the weekend really was that I’ve lost my spare keys so I’ve been stressing over that since I have a house guest.
Only one set of keys means planning everything out. Being home at a certain time, not going to yoga if I feel I need to on the spur of the moment. I spent hours and hours over the weekend looking for the keys, ripping my whole apartment apart and putting it back together again. No luck. I probably should have slept instead.
On Monday I had a lot of trouble waking up, despite at least nine hours of sleep. I ended up having to go home at lunch and slept the day away. In the evening I looked more for the keys, to no avail except my further aggravation. I think my friend thinks I’m crazy. I went out for a walk and bought some Haagen Dazs which I snuck back to my room and I ate it all. I don’t know why.
Despite sleeping all day I managed to sleep through the night and I still felt terrible in the morning so I called in sick. God I hope that I’m no relapsing into depression. I hope it’s the allergies, a heavy period and the number of things on my plate because that at least gives me hope that it’s something that will pass once this allergy season ends and my schedule evens out.
I’m wishing my friend away for no reason except that I feel crappy and like to be alone when I do.
Sorry, today’s post is just a pile of complaints. I just feel off and that’s all there is to say.

Mental health day

Today has been a bad day. I had insomnia and was so dizzy when I woke up that I almost fell a few times. So I stayed home today. After I promised myself yesterday that I wouldn’t take any more sick days!

I slept some and now I’m binging on Netflix. Drinking tea. Starting to feel a little more alive.

My yogi tea message is very a propos:

Feel great, act great and approve of yourself.

I tried to act great yesterday and that led to today. So now I must regroup, take care of myself, and try to feel great again. The whole “approve of yourself” is the kicker though. So hard.

I think I overdid it

I had a wonderful weekend at yoga teacher training. My favourite so far because, despite all the hard work, I felt happy and energized.

But I think I overdid it. This morning I literally could not wake up. Despite having had a relaxing bath and going to bed around ten, I couldn’t wake up at 8 am! So I called in sick at work.

It’s disappointing to miss work, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. My body obviously needed more recuperation as I slept most of the day away.

Moving forward, this is my thinking:
-Take today for the health day that it was and start anew tomorrow without guilt.
-Postpone my challenge by a day. I obviously needed a break today.
-Don’t use the fallout as an excuse not to exercise. I exercised for more than four hours yesterday, and many more the two days before. Making a commitment to exercise for thirty minutes a day will not lead to the same effect. And it will help to build my strength for more intense days.

I’m still sleepy so hopefully I’ll sleep well tonight.