The impact of stress

All my underlying stresses seem to have exploded at once. It has really whacked me on the head and I’m barely functional.

I told you I missed work on Monday afternoon. Well, I also missed yesterday and almost missed today to.

It’s amazing how quickly I can fall down the spiral. And it is entirely stress. I’m not sick otherwise.

But the physical symptoms are bad headaches, inability to concentrate, and exhaustion. And depression kicks in because I feel so upset, I’m shamed I can’t just say that I was sick with the flu or something. I feel like I am completely withdrawn today, present in body because it’s only harder to go back the longer that I am off. My only goal is to make it to the end of the day. Then I will go shopping for fruit and veggies and maybe a small present for me.

Why am I stressed?
I am waiting to find out if I’ve won a permanent job.
I am waiting to have my current contract renewed.
I had two tests last week.
I am living pay cheque to pay cheque and just had a new $1000+ debt slapped on to my load.
I am so tired of applying for jobs. I just want some security.
I feel fat and like I need to exercise, but I can’t get myself to go.
The team I organize isn’t coming together well this year.
I have lots of homework for my teacher training.

And the list goes on and on.

Please forgive my rant. I just wanted to try to get these weights off my shoulders so that I can hopefully set them aside for the afternoon. After all, there is nothing I can do about them at the moment!

Argh.

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Breaking an ingrained habit

Today I made inroads in breaking one of my worst habits.

I’ve been struggling with fatigue and tummy troubles for the past few days. I’m genuinely fatigued, not oversleeping like in the past. I have a full plate schedule-wise with my return to full time work and my intensive yoga training. It will still be another week before I have a day off.

So this morning I had a really hard time waking up. I was so exhausted and still struggling with my upset tummy. And I was really, really anxious! I had a meeting with my boss’s boss today and I was nervous. I was also meeting up at lunch with old colleagues from my major depression days, who were likely expecting me to cancel. I seriously considered calling in sick.

I mean, seriously considered it. I slept in an extra half hour and it was, I think, only my kitty’s sad, hungry face that first got me moving. Plus, I just really didn’t want to disappoint myself. I haven’t missed a work day since October. So I got in the shower and started to feel better and then drove to work since it was too late for the bus.

In the end I was late for work but not too much (no way I could manage the morning without stopping for coffee!). And then I was fine!

My boss is really happy with my work. My input is taken seriously. I have a sort of work plan now so I was busy all day. And my lunch with my former colleagues was really nice!

Nothing to stress over.

Which reminds me: I was obviously too much into the future when I woke this morning! Borrowing worries for things that hadn’t happened.

Anyways, I feel like it is a pivotal day because of this: I faced a situation where I was exhausted, sick to my stomach, and really anxious. It was morning, when my defenses are low and I have a tendency to hide under the covers. And I broke through my habit! I’ll likely have other days when I struggle, but the fact that I won today will be very encouraging the next time I’m tempted to hide under the covers.

Also, more important than the actual fact of missing work, if I had called in sick I would have felt so guilty and ashamed. And that would have affected my comfort level at work. I would always face my colleagues with that shame hanging over me.

So for these reasons, what started as a pretty bad morning ended up being a great day. And now I’m taking the evening to just rest and take care of me. I was juggling too many things last night and will be again tomorrow, so today, I just need to chill…. That, and treat my psoriasis. It’s been having a field day with this underlying stress! 😛