Struggling to create a new path

I’ve read that when you repeat the same responses to certain situations, your brain forges pathways that make it more and more likely that you will keep repeating this action. It’s like you’ve created a path through the jungle and it’s easiest to follow it. You can choose to make a different path, but that involves hacking your way through the thick vegetation, so it is hard to resist taking the well established path.

Today, I’ve been struggling to create a new path. I have a first date tonight, my first date in a couple years and I’ve been feeling sick with anxiety. I have almost cancelled several times. I’m scratching my psoriasis like crazy and tempted to forget it all and hide under my covers, trying to sleep my stress away.

That would be the established path. I’m trying to resist the lure and to start making my way into the woods. But I keep getting scratched and hit in the face by the branches.

I was at the precipice – do I nap and hope I feel better and make the call later? Or do I try something different. Have a nice bath, get ready early and try to meditate or relax somewhere outside until it’s time for my date?

Two things prompted me towards the bath. My desire to stop sabotaging myself. And something my neighbour said to me in passing last week:

Life begins outside of your comfort zone.

This may be a well established quote, but it was new to me and just what I needed to hear. I stay so often within my comfort zone, but that means that I am missing out on life.

Do I want to miss out on this chance for a relationship with a great guy? Because of my fear of discomfort? Do I want to keep repeating the same mistakes that leave me all alone at the end of the day?

No.

So I’m trying to leave the path behind and step into the wilderness. It’s taking a while for me to get somewhere, but I’m trying. Fingers crossed, I’ll make it out to my date and have a lovely time.

Note to self:

Please stop self-sabotaging.

Thank you.

All-or-nothing, or the self-saboteur

This weekend I struggled with my old friend “all-or-nothing”.

I’m grateful for the support you gave on Saturday when I complained about my day being a 3/4 failure. But I still feel annoyed with myself and I want to explain why.

This weekend I had two key tasks: prepare for a test on Wednesday and practice the short yoga routine I’m to teach my class on Saturday.

In true form I felt stressed and procrastinated and I froze, unable to start either project.

I know that I was definitely overdue for a break after several weeks with no days off, but my issue is this:

– Why can’t I enjoy a break but also do other things too? Sleep in until lunch but then either start my “to do” list or scrap it to enjoy the nice sunny day? Or take Saturday off, but still do a few things on Sunday?

– Why does the act of not doing my assigned tasks mean that I can’t do anything?

– So the studying wasn’t going to happen. Why did that mean that I also couldn’t do refreshing things like yoga, or simply go outside for a walk? Why couldn’t I go out to the coffee shop for a latte and see where the day went from there? Why did I have to cancel on a get together with my friend?

Now it is Monday and after sleeping all weekend, all I have accomplished is watching a foreign film on Saturday to get ready for the language test and, at lunch today, putting together the skeleton of a yoga plan I still haven’t even tried.

I think that I sabotage myself. Why do I keep doing this?
– If I don’t put effort forward, then I have an excuse if I fail.
– I get attached to what I think I “should” be doing and if I don’t do that, I feel guilty and need to punish myself by doing nothing.
– I think I’m procrastinating on the yoga routine because either (a) I want it to be perfect, or (b) I’m really nervous presenting in front of a crowd and so I don’t want to think about how I will actually do it. Likely it’s a little of both.

Another yoga task this week is to practice non-attachment. I think the practice fits with this situation. I seem to get too attached to my plans. So I’d like to try this instead: I can still make plans as it is good to have some priorities. But I need to balance my plans with where I am at the moment. If I’m not in a place to do anything on the list, then scrap it. Start afresh and just think of the day hour by hour, minute by minute. What can I do? What would I like to do.

For now, I’ll just have to practice acceptance. The weekend has come and gone and nothing will change it. All I can do is hope that I learned something so that I stop the “all-or-nothing” pattern from continuously repeating.

Do you also struggle with “all-or-nothing” patterns? Have you found any strategies to help you break the pattern?

Today: A 3/4 Failure

You could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worried that I would spend the day in bed sleeping and procrastinating because I was worried. And that’s what I did.

I slept ALL day. Yes I was tired and sleeping in was justified, but this was above and beyond. Pure avoidance. I avoided the gym, I avoided yoga, and most of all I avoided working on the yoga class I am to teach and studying for my test later in the week. What productive actions!

I am so annoyed at myself.

But though I wasted 3/4 of the day, I did turn things around for the last quarter. I got out of bed, ordered takeout and did the cleaning I’d been procrastinating on all week. It took less than an hour and was well worth it. Not having to wade through a physical mess means less mental strain as well. I still avoided my yoga, but at least I took some steps to prepare for my test. It’s a language test, so I worked a bit on my old texts, but I don’t think that will be useful. So I watched a foreign film which I think is more productive, as it is my listening and oral skills that will be tested. I basically have to immerse myself in hearing the language for the next few days.

It’s now “bedtime” but I’m not really tired. (Ironically just as I wrote that I had a big yawn!) Nevertheless I’m going to bed now so that I can hopefully get back on track tomorrow.

Things to get through my thick skull:
-Procrastinating solves nothing and generates more stress
-Break things down! If I’m overwhelmed by a task, then take on a small piece of it and go from there.
-Remember the quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
-What would make me feel good: knowing I put forward an honest effort in reaching my goals.

A Down Day… But I Took a Walk

Today was not a good day. I didn’t get out of bed or have a shower until 8:30 pm. But at least I did finally get out of the house, if only for ten minutes.

I’m not sure why I was so lethargic today. Partially because I couldn’t sleep until far into the early morning. But after a bad week last week I was doing much better this week. I was even fairly upbeat when meeting with my therapist yesterday.

My therapist and I agreed that my homework for the next three weeks was the following:

1. Write one blog post per week
2. Go outside and walk each day
3. Come up with a couple of mantras to remind me/inspire me to get out of bed each morning.

Today I nearly stumbled on step two, when it was only day two. I basically slept the day away, waking every few hours, checking in online, then falling asleep again.

My chronic issue is not turning one bad day into several bad days. So finally, I got up, showered and went for a walk. My therapist made it clear that it didn’t matter how far I went. I just needed to get outdoors and walk, even if only around the block. The point was to make it outside each day and so it wouldn’t cut it to walk tons on some days and not at all on other days.

I had a nice long walk with my friend yesterday. But today the only reason that I finally made it outside was that I did not want to let myself down completely. So I decided to walk to the corner store to buy Haagen Daz. Ten minutes, round trip. Not an exemplary reason to walk, but I won’t worry about that now as the primary objective of getting up, showering, leaving the house and walking was accomplished. I did not sabotage my success on the second day and set myself up for disappointment and more bad days. That’s worth noting I think, to try to stop the negative inner critic for at least a moment.

Each time I contemplated taking a walk this evening, the chorus from Passion Pit’s song “Take a Walk” ran through my head. Perhaps I can incorporate “I took a walk…” into one of my mantras. The song is one that I quite like and may help elevate my mood.

So while it was a bad day, at least I can end it on a high note, knowing that I made some progress on each of my three commitments. And tomorrow is another day, right? For now, I will sample some of that ice cream…