Some much needed self-care

This week I took the time for some much needed self-care. A long session of massage therapy helped get rid of some of this built up tension. And for the first time in over six months, I got a haircut! With all my stress and psoriasis and losing clumps of hair, it was so nice to have a head massage and bring some order back to my hair. It’s nice not to feel so straggly and the shorter hair will hopefully make it easier to treat my scalp.

I also went to a follow-up appointment with my psychiatrist. Re-upping my medication to the levels I had in the spring seems to be helping. I have tremors but otherwise my mood is much improved with the higher dose. I feel a bit more able to handle the work conflict. We talked a lot about my work conflict at the session. I explained how I work with someone that veers from ordering me about and yelling at me to being as nice as can be. She said that this treatment is harassment, and it was a relief to be validated. I’ve felt so uncertain about myself. With a history of mental illness, I wondered, is it me? Am I being too sensitive? Am I the problem? But she reassured me that yelling at people in the workplace is never appropriate. She was annoyed that my boss wants to send my to a course on working with difficult people and difficult situations. She thinks it’s my colleague needs to learn how to communicate with people. But I’m of the mind that a) this may be a good way to learn some new strategies because I do get very stressed by interpersonal conflict and b) if they want to send me on a course then I guess they don’t want to fire me.

Anyway, that’s where things stand. Some improvement and a lot of self-care to get me through this stress.

Any tips on working well with difficult colleagues?

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The aftermath of stress

This week I put myself through a lot of stress. And it caught up with me today.

As I mentioned, I had to teach my first ever yoga class this weekend. I had to create my own lesson plan and then teach my fellow students.

I was really worried about not being good enough and so I procrastinated.

I felt really tired throughout the week and slept instead of preparing. In my mind, I think that was meant to be helpful, but really it was avoidance.

And the problem with avoidance is that it doesn’t make things better, it just leaves you with more worry and less time to address it.

So I was scrambling to prepare on the morning of my presentation, still changing my routine and not well practiced. I obsessed so much about timing that I didn’t take time to simply become comfortable with the routine.

After all that, my presentation went really well. It was a lot easier than I had made it out to be in my head. It was my routine and I chose the poses I was most comfortable with and that I liked the most. It was a natural program for me.

I received really good feedback. My routine was well structured and the poses went well with my goal. My voice was well heard at the back of the class. I had a soothing presence and calming voice. My instructions were easy to follow.

Where I have room for improvement relates directly to my worries and obsessions. I was so concerned about sticking to the schedule that I kept checking my notes to make sure I didn’t forget something and the timer to make sure I stayed within the time limits. And I was so concerned about showing and explaining poses that I didn’t spend a lot of time just watching my students. Basically I got caught up in my head.

I’m so glad to have completed my presentation. It showed that I can do this and have good instincts. I just have to work more on trusting myself and being present. Not just remind my students to arrive and leave their worries off the mat, but remind myself too!

I continued working in the evening after the full weekend of training because I have another yoga presentation in two weeks. So I didn’t allow myself the opportunity to really relax and decompress.

I noticed that my psoriasis was getting bad and that I was constantly scratching all weekend with my stress. So I took a warm bath and a scalp treatment. But today, all the stress still caught up with me. I was really jittery and exhausted all morning. It was hard to focus. I had a bigger coffee than normal to try to compensate, but it just made things worse. In the end, I had to take the afternoon off because I wasn’t functioning. I think this was also due to my stressing over the wait to hear the news on if I will get the new permanent job. I’ve been obsessively checking. I noticed an actual painful wound had developed on my leg from psoriasis, an extra big flag about stress as I normally only have psoriasis on my scalp.

So today I broke my perfect attendance.

I’m not happy about that, but I am compassionate about it. It’s the first time I’ve called in sick for either of my last two jobs. That is a record and one afternoon off doesn’t make me a failure. I just went off track with my worries and it caught up with my body.

This week, I think, will be about personal care. Trying to find balance so that I can do what I need to do without crumbling to stress.

I still have a headache now and my scalp is calling out for me to scratch it. I will be conscious but try to just move on while taking my new lessons to heart. Believe in myself. Stay in the moment. Worries don’t help anything and make things seem so much worse than they are.

Well, I don’t know if this post makes sense, but I’m glad to simply get my thoughts out of my head. Inhale, exhale.