A mini breakdown and recovery

Today I had an important test I knew I could ace, and yet I mismanaged my time and wasn’t able to finish. I was so frustrated and angry with myself, and I had a mini breakdown.

I cracked. I cancelled everything planned later in the day and buried myself in bed. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hide, I wanted the relief of sleep. I slept for hours. Constructive, I know.

But then I woke up. And I felt a bit more compassionate towards myself. Yes, I didn’t do as well as I could have, but I had been exhausted from lack of sleep. Also, it is still good practice for other tests and maybe I will do better than I thought. Nothing I can do about it now. Just learn for next time.

And I had a surge of energy and started to tackle a lot of things I’d left half done. I got rid of clothes that didn’t fit, purged clutter in my room and completely organized my closet. It felt so nice as these were things I’d been wanting to do for quite a while and the clutter always weighed on me.

So at the end of the day, I’m feeling more neutral — not upset over the test as that is finished and there is nothing to do but wait for the results, and satisfied with my decluttering progress. I was triggered for the potential of crashing, but managed a bit of compassion to reenergize and inspire myself in other ways.

The Good, the Bad and the Hope for Better

Good things today:

  • I wasn’t as sore as I was after my first yoga training weekend, when I hurt for days.
  • I wasn’t as tired as I was after my first yoga weekend, when I slept for nearly 24 hours.
  • I watched a new show that I like.
  • Made progress on yoga homework.

Bad things today:

  • Didn’t do anything I planned on doing.
  • Woke up at 10:30 am when I was aiming for 8:30 am. I very consciously turned off the alarm.
  • Had a lengthy nap in the afternoon when I wasn’t really tired – I was bored and procrastinating.
  • I didn’t shower, dress or leave the house.
  • I didn’t start writing the cover letter for the job that I really want to get. Too afraid of failing and so I procrastinated.
  • Didn’t do any exercise or even stretches for my sore muscles.
  • Didn’t set up my new challenge.

Hope for better:

  • I’m definitely making a faster recovery than I did from my first yoga weekend. It gives me hope that I’ll get things going tomorrow and not fall into a trough of hypersomnia.

“Easy Things”

I had an appointment with my therapist the other day and told her about my 10×10 challenge and intensive yoga program. I also told her about how tired I was after my yoga weekend and how lazy I’ve been since.

She asked if perhaps ten tasks were too many, if I had tired myself out. My response was, “Oh no, most of the tasks are easy things like get out of bed, go outside, meditate, etc. I was tired because of so much yoga after a period of inactivity and I haven’t done much since then because I haven’t had specific goals, a new challenge.”

It has just occurred to me how telling that statement was. Getting out of bed is easy… Going outside is easy… For so long these tasks have been difficult if not impossible. They were major daily challenges and often where everything went wrong.

The fact that I can now describe these as “easy”…. Well, that is a major milestone on the road to recovery and shouldn’t be overlooked.