This weekend I struggled with my old friend “all-or-nothing”.
I’m grateful for the support you gave on Saturday when I complained about my day being a 3/4 failure. But I still feel annoyed with myself and I want to explain why.
This weekend I had two key tasks: prepare for a test on Wednesday and practice the short yoga routine I’m to teach my class on Saturday.
In true form I felt stressed and procrastinated and I froze, unable to start either project.
I know that I was definitely overdue for a break after several weeks with no days off, but my issue is this:
– Why can’t I enjoy a break but also do other things too? Sleep in until lunch but then either start my “to do” list or scrap it to enjoy the nice sunny day? Or take Saturday off, but still do a few things on Sunday?
– Why does the act of not doing my assigned tasks mean that I can’t do anything?
– So the studying wasn’t going to happen. Why did that mean that I also couldn’t do refreshing things like yoga, or simply go outside for a walk? Why couldn’t I go out to the coffee shop for a latte and see where the day went from there? Why did I have to cancel on a get together with my friend?
Now it is Monday and after sleeping all weekend, all I have accomplished is watching a foreign film on Saturday to get ready for the language test and, at lunch today, putting together the skeleton of a yoga plan I still haven’t even tried.
I think that I sabotage myself. Why do I keep doing this?
– If I don’t put effort forward, then I have an excuse if I fail.
– I get attached to what I think I “should” be doing and if I don’t do that, I feel guilty and need to punish myself by doing nothing.
– I think I’m procrastinating on the yoga routine because either (a) I want it to be perfect, or (b) I’m really nervous presenting in front of a crowd and so I don’t want to think about how I will actually do it. Likely it’s a little of both.
Another yoga task this week is to practice non-attachment. I think the practice fits with this situation. I seem to get too attached to my plans. So I’d like to try this instead: I can still make plans as it is good to have some priorities. But I need to balance my plans with where I am at the moment. If I’m not in a place to do anything on the list, then scrap it. Start afresh and just think of the day hour by hour, minute by minute. What can I do? What would I like to do.
For now, I’ll just have to practice acceptance. The weekend has come and gone and nothing will change it. All I can do is hope that I learned something so that I stop the “all-or-nothing” pattern from continuously repeating.
Do you also struggle with “all-or-nothing” patterns? Have you found any strategies to help you break the pattern?