Holding on

I’ve been in a holding pattern the past few weeks. Trying to stay the course, to not quit before I have a new job lined up.
I’ve managed to keep going, and had some good days, but I’m just doing that. Holding on. I barely leave the house, I hardly see friends and spend my time either sleeping or on television series-watching marathons.
I am sleeping way too much. And I’m coming to realize I’ve been using it as an avoidance strategy.
I’m becoming disgusted at my laziness and weight problems. I know I need to become more active, to find a new hobby or inspiration to get out of the house. Physical activity has often helped me feel better.
But no action yet. Well, perhaps blogging is a first step.

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Low energy

Today was a low energy day. I’m not sure why. I just didn’t feel like doing anything and felt so tired. The sun was out again, but the only time I inspired myself to go outside was for Hagen Daaz ice cream. :-S Not a good thing.

I didn’t get anything done and cancelled my tentative plans for the evening.

This means that tomorrow I will have a lot of studying to do for my test on Wednesday. I think I will have to wake up early and spend a lot of time at a coffee shop with caffeine and lack of opportunity to sleep. Because the test is in the morning and I’ve been sleeping in so much!

Stressed and cracking

I’ve been feeling really stressed over the past week and today it was really starting to show.

The root is financial, as a new kink appeared in my never ending job saga. A contract I was relying on was cut short leaving me in quite a bind. I have a permanent job coming in the fall, but no idea how I will pay the bills until then.

Secondly, I have a first date tomorrow. Which is a great thing, but at the moment my anxiety is so high that I’m freaking out. I’ve been chatting with him for a while and I know he is a really nice guy, but all my insecurities are coming up and my psoriasis is going crazy. Now, to top it off, I don’t even have a job.

And today I snapped at a friend and sent some sharp text messages when she left me waiting again. All of a sudden, I felt so taken advantage of by this friend. I feel sometimes like she just takes and takes. I know she has had bad luck with jobs and that the one she finally found is low paying, but I have lots of financial problems too, plus many more financial commitments. This is the friend who asks to stay at my place for a weekend and stays for weeks, who doesn’t chip in for groceries or anything to help out, who comes to my place all the time for air conditioning and HBO, etc. This time it was another favour that she asked of me. I did it yesterday but then I had to wait around for her to pick it up at some general time today. She was late and not answering her texts and I sent a snarky message saying forget it, I was done waiting.

Then I went to bed with a headache and horrible tension throughout my body. I almost felt like I had to get up and run to blow off steam, but I’m too stressed about running for that to appeal today. I was shaking and feeling like I had definitely lost my balance. While I went to yoga twice this week, It seems that I need to make it a daily practice to keep myself in check.

I napped, again, because that’s been my solution this week’s stresses. I feel a little calmer now. Regretful that I was so abrupt with my friend.

I hope I can get my finances sorted soon as I feel like they keep pulling the rug out from under me and my progress.

De-dustifying

I slept in late today (i.e. past lunch) and worried I’d be in for another depressive weekend. I’m supposed to get some work done this weekend, so that was hardly the best start.

The good news is that I’m starting to get over my nasty summer cold. But it’s still lingering a bit and today I was struck by a major urge to clean. No need to succumb to allergies right after the cold!

So after showering and going out for coffee, I really went at it. Removed all the clutter I’d piled in my apartment as I was moving things around between my two storage units. Took down the recycling that had piled up. Found that something is wrong with the attachment on my vacuum so I actually went around my bedroom on my hands and knees with just the hose, vacuuming up every speck of dust, cat hair and dust bunnies. I did so much cleaning I actually worked up a sweat, so I’m feeling more energized. Might finally be ready to work soon.

This seems to be quite a routine for me, established in university. I have something I need to study or work on and first thing I have to do? Clean, rearrange furniture, make everything just so. I’m glad to have gotten the urge today, as I really tackled some of the cleaning I’d left half-finished for a awhile. It feels nice to clear those burdens.

Now I’m pausing for a break and some lemonade, but I think this has turned the tide for the weekend and I should be able to stay productive.

Have a great weekend!

Slowly energizing

Today has been a good day. It started off slowly with a lazy morning sleeping in (still a bit upset over yesterday), but after lunch things really picked up.

I went through all the job notices I had in my inbox and printed out a handful to apply to. (Work on finding new job: check.) Then I packed up my yoga homework and went to a coffee shop to work. (Go outside: check) The latte did the trick and I worked some on my yoga class. I also read a chapter in the textbook on meditation because I want to include a guided meditation at the end of my class. (Yoga homework: Check)

Then I went back to my yoga studio, scene of yesterday’s disaster. Same room even. But I had a completely different class and teacher so I was able to get rid of the bad vibes and refresh. (Exercise: check) (Centering: check)

I’m now back home for dinner and have a lot of work still ahead of me to flesh-out my yoga class and meditation, but I’m feeling energetic and engaged, so I’m sure I will get some things done.

I’m also so happy to end the weekend on an upswing as it will make such a difference waking up for work tomorrow.

For now, back to my homework!

Today: A 3/4 Failure

You could say it was a self-fulfilling prophecy. I worried that I would spend the day in bed sleeping and procrastinating because I was worried. And that’s what I did.

I slept ALL day. Yes I was tired and sleeping in was justified, but this was above and beyond. Pure avoidance. I avoided the gym, I avoided yoga, and most of all I avoided working on the yoga class I am to teach and studying for my test later in the week. What productive actions!

I am so annoyed at myself.

But though I wasted 3/4 of the day, I did turn things around for the last quarter. I got out of bed, ordered takeout and did the cleaning I’d been procrastinating on all week. It took less than an hour and was well worth it. Not having to wade through a physical mess means less mental strain as well. I still avoided my yoga, but at least I took some steps to prepare for my test. It’s a language test, so I worked a bit on my old texts, but I don’t think that will be useful. So I watched a foreign film which I think is more productive, as it is my listening and oral skills that will be tested. I basically have to immerse myself in hearing the language for the next few days.

It’s now “bedtime” but I’m not really tired. (Ironically just as I wrote that I had a big yawn!) Nevertheless I’m going to bed now so that I can hopefully get back on track tomorrow.

Things to get through my thick skull:
-Procrastinating solves nothing and generates more stress
-Break things down! If I’m overwhelmed by a task, then take on a small piece of it and go from there.
-Remember the quote: “Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.”
-What would make me feel good: knowing I put forward an honest effort in reaching my goals.

Today Was a Bust

I think I’m getting sick. When I woke this morning I thought it might be allergies but maybe it’s a cold. In any case, today can be characterized like this:
Exhausted
Oversleeping
Congested
Dehydrated
Headachy
Cold
Lethargic
No energy
Unable to concentrate

I missed out on a networking event. About the only thing I did was answer a call about a potential opportunity.

But I’m so tired today, I can’t concentrate on anything. I can’t make decisions. So I think I’m just going to take the day off. Take it easy and try to build up energy as I have a busy weekend of training ahead of me.

Hope you are having better days!