Self-Reflection

Another one of my yoga homework tasks is self-reflection. Ironically, I have so much yoga homework that I’ve done a lot less self-reflection than normal. (Another reason is also that I still have a house guest.)

But tonight I will blog and self-reflect. 🙂

Today was a chaotic day at work. My supervisor was really, really stressed. So much so that I felt I needed to keep reassuring her that things would be okay.

I have general anxiety disorder, but the thing is that I think I generally perform well in a “real” crisis. It’s like there is no time to worry, I just have to do things to get stuff done. Here is where perhaps my procrastination gave me good training. By leaving everything to the last minute (a habit I had long before it was worry-driven), I’m used to performing under fire. So I’m generally ok in crisis mode. Though I do usually crash afterwards.

But I can’t this time! Because not only is this project nearing the end, so is my yoga teacher training and I need to be fresh to start a new job too.

So I think that for my self-reflection homework over the next few days, I’ll periodically assess how I am doing. Am I running myself to the limit? Am I taking a daily walk at lunch for fresh air and space to keep myself centered? Can I keep my focus on things I can control? Can I keep my composure and generate a calming presence?

I’d like reflect on how I handle this stressful week. And I want to do periodic checkins with myself where I assess if I am becoming stressed and if I can take an action to help with that. Take deep breaths, go for a walk, whatever. I need to work hard but I also need to be compassionate to myself so that I’m not burnt out in time for my next challenge.

That’s the plan, anyway! We’ll see how it goes! 🙂

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The Sunny Side of the Street

Today I had a slow start, sleeping until 11 am after a restless night. But after that things really improved.

I showered then went out to get a latte to perk up. It was -15C or more, but the sun was out and it was so nice! I walked on the sunny side of the street, soaking up some vitamin D, and it wasn’t cold at all! I think I’ll need to start doing little things like that in the morning, some little excursion outside (even by car), just to get things started. I seem to work by momentum.

Then I went online to talk to a friend in Europe. It’s a really good friend, but I flaked out on so many talks this past year because of depression. We had a wonderful time catching up and, as a bonus, I also had a chance to catch up with family in Europe too.

Then I had a bit of an energy dip and contemplated a nap. But when using the “truth” lens as I need to do for my yoga training, I knew that I wasn’t really tired. I was just procrastinating on a job application because I’m really interested and afraid of rejection. Also, I was bored.

So I resisted the nap and put together my cover letter. I also contacted someone I knew that worked there to try to get a leg up.

Then I went to yoga. Only two days since my intensive weekend of yoga. My recovery time is definitely picking up!

Finally, I thought to be extra productive and get groceries too while I was out. Sadly that didn’t work out. Silly me, I went to the store, picked out all my groceries and got in line only to realize I had forgotten my wallet!! So I ended up with no groceries, just a bit of extra walking.

Oh, and I found out about a job interview next week.

So, slow start, but I’m getting back into the swing of things with just a day’s blip in between. This is good. 🙂

10×10 Challenge: Day 7

Today was another good day. I think my little challenges are really helping me to focus on positive habits. 🙂

Most noteworthy: After a nap I thought briefly of not exercising tonight. And the thought went out just as quickly as it went in! I’m feeling the return of motivation. Hurray!

Here’s how the challenge went.

1- Get out of bed: check
I had an exam this morning so I woke up quite early and was out of bed by 6 am.

2- Meditate: check
I had a nice relaxing bath and listened to/sang along with a yoga chant.

3- Job Search: check
While still in the bath, I started reading over my notes. Then I had breakfast and read a bit more before heading downtown early. It was so nice to be relaxed and not rushing like I normally was when taking the bus to work in the mornings. I drove and after parking had a nice yummy latte. Then off to my exam, where I was the first one there. So unlike me, but so much less stressful!

I wrote my exam and I think it went pretty well. Hopefully I’ll be back there soon for an interview. Fingers crossed! In the meantime I have lots of other jobs to apply to tomorrow.

4- Go Outside: check
Obviously I needed to go out to get to my exam. 😉

5- Finances: check
I booked an appointment with social services to try to get some support until I find a new job.

6- Veggies
I had orange peppers with my sandwich. Mmmm.

7- Clean or organize: check
Laundry and dishes.

8- Exercise: check
I went to yoga. Although this was a rather lazy class. About 30 min exercise and 60 minutes meditation. Oh well!

9- Self-Help: check
Finished chapter three of my Yoga for Depression book.

10- Something nice for me: check
I’m watching TV and I’m just about to paint my toenails. I haven’t since the summer and it makes me happy at yoga when I do my downward dog and see colourful toes. 🙂

Bye for now!

A Postscript to a Dull Day

The day went on and I picked up a little. Here is my updated checklist.

Get Out of Bed: check.
Go Outside: check.
I got dressed in sweats and walked down the street for takeout. I was helped along by the fact that I could pull my winter hat over my dirty hair, just needing to brush my teeth to be presentable. The brisk, winter air during the short walk was refreshing, and a meal helped with energy.

3+ More Activities:
Self-Help: check
I tried once again to get into Listening to Depression. I’m not having much luck with chapter two. In this chapter the author tries to convince you of the blessings of depression. I know what she is trying to say based on the first chapter, but something about the language in this chapter ticks me off. I got very cozy, at least, reading on the sofa next to the “roaring” electric fire. So cozy that I fell asleep.

Career Stuff: check
As I mentioned earlier, today I declined a potential work contract. It asked for too much commitment for way too little pay or security. My first thoughts upon waking on the sofa were that I had made a spelling mistake in the email declining and ugh, how unprofessional that must make me seem. I was sure they were glad that they wouldn’t have to work with me. The thought kept circling my mind. I looked at the word twice when I wrote it…. Why didn’t I double check the spelling? Why didn’t spellcheck highlight it? Maybe the spellcheck in my email isn’t on? I couldn’t get it out of my head. So I looked up the word in the dictionary. And I hadn’t even spelled it wrong! The joys of an overactive, stressed mind.

Cleaning: check
I wanted to stick to my challenge so I did the dishes.

Finances: check
This is a new one but I thought I’d add it to the list of optional activities. Because they are so challenging right now. It’s almost the end of the month and my first pay cheque wasn’t quite enough for rent. So I went to the bank to put in more money from my mom. I’m thankful for the support, but feel so guilty. Especially after turning down a potential offer. But it really wasn’t a good offer and the contract might have caused problems down the road if I found a better job in the meantime.

So that’s where I am today. I didn’t do all I wanted to – exercise! – and did stuff I didn’t want to – stopped for ice cream on the way back from the bank and ate it all, ugh! – but at least I stayed true to my challenge. It’s helpful because I’ve kept a commitment to myself and it hopefully means I can get on with tomorrow without dwelling too much on today.

I’m going to watch a movie now. Good night, and thanks for your support. 🙂