Mental health day

Today has been a bad day. I had insomnia and was so dizzy when I woke up that I almost fell a few times. So I stayed home today. After I promised myself yesterday that I wouldn’t take any more sick days!

I slept some and now I’m binging on Netflix. Drinking tea. Starting to feel a little more alive.

My yogi tea message is very a propos:

Feel great, act great and approve of yourself.

I tried to act great yesterday and that led to today. So now I must regroup, take care of myself, and try to feel great again. The whole “approve of yourself” is the kicker though. So hard.

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Today’s yogi tea message

This weekend sucked. It was my first weekend off and I had all these plans. I had to do some stuff for work but I was going to do it at the gym on an exercise bike and at a coffee shop while sipping a latte. I was going to go to the yoga classes I can’t normally attend while training. I was going to rest and I was going to have fun and recharge.

I didn’t leave the house and barely left my bed.

There was a point on Sunday morning where I almost turned things around. But I think I made a conscious decision not to.

Why do I keep doing this?

My only bursts of activity on the weekend came when I was cleaning on Saturday night and, on Sunday night, when I finally showered and tried to figure out how to do all that I was supposed to have done over the weekend.

Unsurprisingly, I had insomnia last night and then I was exhausted and pretty useless today.

But I did go to work. For me, being there in body is just as important as being there in mind, because attendance is a challenge for me. I only have a few more weeks to this contract, so I’m determined not to miss any more time.

I’m hoping that this weekend was to get the blahs out of the way so that I can actually do stuff on Easter weekend. We shall see.

Which brings me my tea. The inspiring message attached to my yogi tea just now is this:

Those who live in the past limit their future.

So I continue to move forward. But I don’t want to keep repeating the same unhealthy behaviour. So please help remind me on Easter weekend to be active, to live in the moment, and to not procrastinate. Rest does not mean turning into a sloth and avoiding things that will make you happy.

On that note, I’d best get to sleep so that tomorrow makes for a much better day.

Goodnight,
DBH xx

A zombie in the making

Apparently I’m starting to look like a zombie. Some friends came over today and said I honestly look really exhausted. I’d had a nap before they came but they asked if I would be going straight back to bed after they left because I looked so wiped.

A colleague noted when I came back to the office today because they could hear my jaw-cracking yawns.

I’d seriously considered leaving work early but then I stuck it out.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not suffering excessive insomnia. I’m waking up early but still at least getting a solid 6 hours of sleep before the insomnia starts to disturb me. I’ve cut down on unnecessary burdens on my time. Why am I so drained?

I’m so tired of feeling tired! And I’m sure you are tired of hearing about it. 😉 But it is concerning as it affects everything I do. I think it is the cloud of stress hanging over me, but a lot of my stressors are out of my control.

I had a nice Epsom salt bath and now I’m having dinner and getting ready for some “electronic therapy”. I’m starting to watch The Walking Dead. At least I look lively in comparison to those zombies!

The daily grind

A few days ago I complained that I was starting to hate yoga. Today, I feel like I need it.

I’m really tired and yesterday’s plan to catch up on sleep didn’t work. No only did I not nap, I woke up too early this morning too. I yawned in total exhaustion while buying caffeine. I was so wiped the clerk said, “you know it’s only noon, right?”

Yes, unfortunately I do.

Adding to my tiredness, I feel like I am twiddling my thumbs today at work. I need other people to do their work so that I can do mine. Definitely not energizing.

And I have my presentation to prepare before the weekend, but I’m too tired to do it when I get home.

It feels like it is Thursday and it’s only Tuesday. My head aches.

So this is why I feel like I need yoga today. It’s one of my favourite classes and will combine some exercise with meditation. I think that will be more effective than trying to nap unsuccessfully like yesterday.

Still no job news. 😦

Easy going

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve become pretty easy going. Not so easily ruffled.

This morning I stepped out into the most miserable day, and found out that my boots have a leak as I walked through icy puddles. Swish, swish, swish. And I wasn’t too bothered. I made jokes about it and once I was in the office I left off the shoes for a while to just dry out my feet. No big deal.

And work is really great. I was on my own today but found lots of motivation to get things moving. And while I felt a bit tired before the last hour, thinking it would drag on forever as I’d finished my main project of the day, after the thought passed I found something new to do and the time flew by.

I had yoga this evening and by that point I was quite tired and hadn’t had time to eat dinner either. But the practice was okay (I got a bit mixed up with the teacher’s instructions) and then it was a very relaxed class afterwards with lots of discussion. It felt nice to talk with others about our thoughts, things we find difficult and to realize many of us feel the same. Instead of the exhaustion I felt pre-yoga, now I feel fairly relaxed and ready for a nice long sleep.

At least I hope it is long. Things have been very good for me this week but there is one small concern. I keep waking up at 4 am and then often can’t sleep. It’s like clockwork. I meet with my psychiatrist next week so I’ll have to ask if it’s the Wellbutrin time release again. I may have to change the timing of when I take it so that I can forestall the insomnia.

So that’s it. A really good week overall. But I’m really tired now after my first full week of work so it’s time to get to sleep!

Compassion or excuses? Laziness or listening to my body?

I’ve blown my daily yoga routine. But I’ve done it consciously so.

I’ve missed three days now (non-consecutive), but only regret missing Saturday’s session.

Is it that I’m being lazy? Or is it that I’m listening to my body and its fatigue? Am I being compassionate towards myself? Or just making excuses for failures?

I actually think that I’m being compassionate.

This is my first forty-hour work week in months. And then I have 20+ hours of yoga training on the weekend. No days off until mid-March. (And I think that’s a good thing, because I do tend to have emotional dips on weekends when I do nothing…)

But with work, training, homework and trying to go to yoga every single day (and more than once a day to make up for missed days)… Well, after the sleeplessness of last night, I knew I couldn’t keep burning the candle at all ends.

I think this is an example of self-compassion because:
– I don’t feel guilty
– I’m not displaying my all-or-nothing attitude – I’ve missed three days so why even bother continuing with the daily yoga? It’s already a bust! – Instead I’m simply planning to go as often as I can, while being conscious of what my body is telling me.
– I’m really enjoying my work and the sense of accomplishment of doing my job well. I like going to work, even if I haven’t slept, and I’m really productive. But that’s not maintainable without rest. I need to take care of myself.

At times during the past few weeks, I’ve felt like a bubble of contentment is surrounding me. I’m enjoying getting out of the house each day and my hilly walks to and from the bus. The weather isn’t too cold and the fresh air is invigorating. Yesterday I became absorbed looking down at my scarf as I walked to work. The most beautiful little snowflake had settled on my scarf and it had the most intricate design! I guess that’s as close as I can get to stopping to smell the roses at this time of year. 😉

People seem more inclined to be friendly and do nice things for me. And I think it’s because my overall feeling of calm, patience and contentment is flowing out. I was pulled over for my first ever driving ticket the other day… And the officer was smiling and understanding and instead gave me warnings.

So while there can be a fine line between excuses and compassion, I think I’m currently exhibiting the latter. I’m adapting remarkably well to the workplace and I’m generally content. But I’m well aware of the dangers of doing too much, ignoring insomnia, and feeling overwhelmed.

I made the conscious decision today to take yoga off my plate and to simply relax. As such I could resist napping and I think I’m now ready to go to sleep at an appropriate time. And I’m looking forward to both work and yoga tomorrow. 🙂

Good night!

Ups and Downs

I haven’t posted for a few days. The reason why is that I had a bit of a dip this weekend.

After a great first few days at work, on Friday I made lots of plans for my productive weekend. Too many plans. And what happened? Nada.

I broke my streak of daily yoga. I didn’t go Saturday and I almost missed Sunday too. I only just managed to drag myself to the last class of the day. This really disappointed me.

I was having cramps and tummy issues, but those irritants don’t really justify how the weekend went.

I didn’t go to the library or do any of my stacks of homework. I didn’t go to the gym. I didn’t clean. I didn’t go out to buy groceries. I ignored requests to see me. I didn’t get out of bed or shower until Sunday night.

I didn’t do anything except sleep a lot and read intermittently.

Little wonder that last night I had insomnia. After too much sleep over the weekend, I went to bed at 11 or 12 and then woke up at 4:30 am. No more than a half hour of sleep after that.

This is very reminiscent of my old depressive pattern. Crash on the weekend, be stressed and suffering from insomnia, and then miss work on Monday, and continue to spiral down from guilt.

But, while I was really sleepy in the morning and had a passing thought of wanting to stay in bed, it was only a passing thought. I wanted to go to work. So I went to have a shower and quickly got ready. I even went to work early. And I worked really well all day. No energy dips, even! (Well, I did have two lattes…)

And while I was again tempted to crawl into bed when I came home from work, I resisted and threw on my yoga clothes. I substituted a sleepy yin class for an active class, and it was just what I needed. It was relaxing and restful and quietly energizing. And it also kept me from napping and setting myself up to perhaps miss yoga and to probably have insomnia again.

So while the weekend was a bust, I’m really happy about my attitude this morning and how productive I was at work.

Onwards and upwards.