I’ve been very down and antisocial the past few days. I had a good but exhausting weekend at yoga training. I taught my second class and it went okay. The only thing that went wrong over the weekend really was that I’ve lost my spare keys so I’ve been stressing over that since I have a house guest.
Only one set of keys means planning everything out. Being home at a certain time, not going to yoga if I feel I need to on the spur of the moment. I spent hours and hours over the weekend looking for the keys, ripping my whole apartment apart and putting it back together again. No luck. I probably should have slept instead.
On Monday I had a lot of trouble waking up, despite at least nine hours of sleep. I ended up having to go home at lunch and slept the day away. In the evening I looked more for the keys, to no avail except my further aggravation. I think my friend thinks I’m crazy. I went out for a walk and bought some Haagen Dazs which I snuck back to my room and I ate it all. I don’t know why.
Despite sleeping all day I managed to sleep through the night and I still felt terrible in the morning so I called in sick. God I hope that I’m no relapsing into depression. I hope it’s the allergies, a heavy period and the number of things on my plate because that at least gives me hope that it’s something that will pass once this allergy season ends and my schedule evens out.
I’m wishing my friend away for no reason except that I feel crappy and like to be alone when I do.
Sorry, today’s post is just a pile of complaints. I just feel off and that’s all there is to say.


Breaking an ingrained habit

Today I made inroads in breaking one of my worst habits.

I’ve been struggling with fatigue and tummy troubles for the past few days. I’m genuinely fatigued, not oversleeping like in the past. I have a full plate schedule-wise with my return to full time work and my intensive yoga training. It will still be another week before I have a day off.

So this morning I had a really hard time waking up. I was so exhausted and still struggling with my upset tummy. And I was really, really anxious! I had a meeting with my boss’s boss today and I was nervous. I was also meeting up at lunch with old colleagues from my major depression days, who were likely expecting me to cancel. I seriously considered calling in sick.

I mean, seriously considered it. I slept in an extra half hour and it was, I think, only my kitty’s sad, hungry face that first got me moving. Plus, I just really didn’t want to disappoint myself. I haven’t missed a work day since October. So I got in the shower and started to feel better and then drove to work since it was too late for the bus.

In the end I was late for work but not too much (no way I could manage the morning without stopping for coffee!). And then I was fine!

My boss is really happy with my work. My input is taken seriously. I have a sort of work plan now so I was busy all day. And my lunch with my former colleagues was really nice!

Nothing to stress over.

Which reminds me: I was obviously too much into the future when I woke this morning! Borrowing worries for things that hadn’t happened.

Anyways, I feel like it is a pivotal day because of this: I faced a situation where I was exhausted, sick to my stomach, and really anxious. It was morning, when my defenses are low and I have a tendency to hide under the covers. And I broke through my habit! I’ll likely have other days when I struggle, but the fact that I won today will be very encouraging the next time I’m tempted to hide under the covers.

Also, more important than the actual fact of missing work, if I had called in sick I would have felt so guilty and ashamed. And that would have affected my comfort level at work. I would always face my colleagues with that shame hanging over me.

So for these reasons, what started as a pretty bad morning ended up being a great day. And now I’m taking the evening to just rest and take care of me. I was juggling too many things last night and will be again tomorrow, so today, I just need to chill…. That, and treat my psoriasis. It’s been having a field day with this underlying stress! 😛

Another Wasted Weekend

I thought I had good problem-solving skills. But this weekend showed that I really struggle with certain types of stresses and that my response is terrible: avoidance.

It wasn’t even a bad thing that happened. It was just something that I didn’t know how to address. Do I or don’t I want to become a freelancer? Can I handle being my own boss? Finding my own work? Negotiating my rates of pay? Dealing with contracts, legalities and administration? I got a bit scared as this became a stronger possibility and a company asked me to set my rate. Anyway, it really stressed me out and I buried my head in the sand… Or rather I stayed in bed all weekend with my head under the covers.

How is that going to solve anything? It doesn’t provide answers. It is pure avoidance with the addition of guilt and stress. Ugh.

Finally this evening I pulled myself up and moved on with things. I showered, ate, left the house. I went to the gym to take care of an administrative thing, and then went shopping for groceries. When I got home I set about researching my options.

As much as I think it would be great to be my own boss (the flexibility of setting my work hours, the ability to choose what I work on and who I work with, etc.), I worry about taking on that responsibility. As someone prone to depression and anxiety, is this even something I should consider?

Anyway, the only conclusion I’ve come to today is that my coping mechanisms really suck. I have to stop hiding from life and burying myself under the blankets.

We won’t talk about yesterday, but today I managed to do my daily challenge.

Get out of bed – check (though really late in the day!)
Go outside – check
Career stuff – check
Financial management – check
Hmm, I need to do one more thing. I’ll do the dishes – check.

I think I’ll get over the weekend quickly. Tomorrow I meet with my therapist for the first time in 6 weeks (she cancelled the last session), and I also have two social things planned for the evening. (I was really set yesterday to cancel them, like I cancelled today’s, but luckily I decided that I would leave that decision until I was in a better frame of mind.) Then a friend from out of town will be staying over for a few days, so that should help keep me from falling again next weekend.

That’s it for now. Good night!