Today I had an important test I knew I could ace, and yet I mismanaged my time and wasn’t able to finish. I was so frustrated and angry with myself, and I had a mini breakdown.
I cracked. I cancelled everything planned later in the day and buried myself in bed. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hide, I wanted the relief of sleep. I slept for hours. Constructive, I know.
But then I woke up. And I felt a bit more compassionate towards myself. Yes, I didn’t do as well as I could have, but I had been exhausted from lack of sleep. Also, it is still good practice for other tests and maybe I will do better than I thought. Nothing I can do about it now. Just learn for next time.
And I had a surge of energy and started to tackle a lot of things I’d left half done. I got rid of clothes that didn’t fit, purged clutter in my room and completely organized my closet. It felt so nice as these were things I’d been wanting to do for quite a while and the clutter always weighed on me.
So at the end of the day, I’m feeling more neutral — not upset over the test as that is finished and there is nothing to do but wait for the results, and satisfied with my decluttering progress. I was triggered for the potential of crashing, but managed a bit of compassion to reenergize and inspire myself in other ways.
Despite my fine plans yesterday, I’ve done nothing today. Nothing but sleep and read a novel.
Why? I don’t know. I suspect it is my inner self-saboteur. I have a job interview tomorrow (for a permanent job) and I think it’s underlying worry over that which is putting a wrench in things. Part of my plans for today were to prepare for tomorrow’s test and interview. But I haven’t. And because I haven’t done that, I haven’t done anything on my list. The good old “all or nothing” attitude.
Well. What’s done is done. The best I can hope for is that I treat tomorrow like the new day that it is and just get on with it.
So this was a completely wasted weekend. What went wrong?
I think I overwhelmed myself again. It was my first full week at work in a long time. And some shifts were really long. And I didn’t set myself time to balance things out with yoga or meditation. I also had plans for a very busy weekend starting with a social gathering and ending with tons of work on my website and job applications.
The result? Nothing. I did nothing.
I’m going to have to return to my challenge and visualizing tasks in bite size measures. Every time I think big, I crash.
Well, it’s a new week starting tomorrow so hopefully I’ll put the weekend behind me and move on.
This weekend, I did the opposite of what I was supposed to do. I stayed in bed all weekend. I did not take any walks. I did not go outside daily. I did not meet up with friends. I did not go to yoga to relax. I did not shower. And I did not do my minimum “bad day” solution of moving to the living room, opening the curtains and substituting my couch for my bed. 😦
After an exhausting first week at work, with overtime already, I simply crashed on the weekend. Not so much mood-wise, but energy-wise. I was really tense and having a lot of pain in my jaws, and I was also feeling run down and sick from overeating. So I hid in bed with a novel and slept excessively all weekend long.
This is returning to a typical pattern for me that often results in a lowered mood, not being able to function properly, and then missing work early in the week as my mood plummets. I do not want to get back into this habit!
But I’m going to give myself a free pass for this weekend. For three reasons. 1) I am transitioning off an anti-depressant. 2) I did have an exhausting return to the workforce after a long period of unemployment. 3) Most important of all, because I am a perfectionist so the slightest failure can set me off in a downward spiral where things get worse and worse.
So, I am starting again without focussing on the slip-up. Yesterday I went to work and I also took several really short walks (to the bus and during breaks). Today was even better. It was so mild out (for November) that I decided to walk all the way home rather than waiting for the bus. It was a really nice walk – a great way to unwind from work.
The bright side: While I fell down in terms of my daily goals, I am not dwelling on the failure. This is a good new habit to work on, so I’m content with that.