Do I stay or do I go?

Two things are causing me enormous stress at the moment: my job and finances. I need one to pay for the other, but what if it’s also making me sick?

I’ve almost quit my job so many times. I’ve never worked with such conflict before, and interpersonal conflict is not my strong suit. I’m constantly stressed and my psoriasis has flared up again, always a physical warning.

And I’ve been feeling so hopeless.

I’ve tried working things out with my colleague, but things improve for a few days and then turn more sour. I just don’t believe things can change anymore. Since starting this job I have:
– needed to increase my medications
– suffered from poor sleep and felt constantly tired
– increasingly withdrawn from everything around me as the job leaves me so exhausted I don’t have energy to do anything else
– had my whole head break out in psoriasis
– had so much tension I needed two sessions of massage therapy and yet the pain remains
– felt that I was going to have a nervous breakdown
– thought things would never improve and that it may not be worth living.

Only the love of my cat and not wanting her to be homeless is keeping me going. I’ve fallen so far from the optimism I had this spring.

The job isn’t the kind of work I want to do and it’s well below my abilities. I only took the job for access to internal opportunities and stability. But I’m feeling anything but stable, so more and more I’m coming to this conclusion: I have to quit.

It was a long weekend and after venting to everyone I thought maybe I could stick it out a few more weeks. But I’m home sick today because I can’t bear to go into work. This is also a really bad sign and not something that has otherwise troubled me in the past year.

So more and more, I think the answer is that I need to go. This will be a huge financial strain but I can move, take a lower paying job for now… But my health? It’s so much more important.

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6 weeks of blogging

I’ve been feeling for the past few months like I’ve been getting better. That after five years, I’m finally kicking this depression thing.

But I just looked back at the titles of my posts for the past 6 weeks. Of 28 posts, only about 7 were positive. The rest, on the whole, seemed to be about exhaustion and stress.

I wonder, am I fooling myself? Have I put on bandaids and forgotten to tend the deeper wounds?

Or am I being too hard on myself?

I was listening to part of Paul Gilbert’s The Compassionate Mind yesterday. The chapter focuses on the new brain and the old brain. The old brain is our instinctive brain, the part that’s quick to react, feel stress, fight or flight. And the new brain is the cortex, where all of our higher functions come in. The parts that separate us from animals.

The old brain was designed to keep us alive. To react to stress. And Gilbert notes, sometimes stress is a very valid reaction. Stressful circumstances bring stressed feelings.

I’m definitely in stressful circumstances right now, which are mostly beyond my control. Until I find a steady job and financial security, am I bound to stay in this limbo?

A Fantastic but Exhausting Day; and a Note on Worry

Today was a full day of yoga teacher training. I don’t think I’ve ever done so much yoga in a day. Or maybe it just seemed so because the focus was on poses that really got the quads shaking. Warriors, crescent lunges, chair poses, extended side angles, oh my! And so many sun salutations!

But despite all the work and all the information in, I feel amazing! Another reminder to myself: exercise invigorates me more than it tires me. It’s unbelievable how it switches me from being depressed, stressed and apathetic to a cheerful, energetic person. I can feel the blood pumping faster and everything just working better.

I have nothing else to do today but relax and go to bed early because tomorrow will be just as long. On Monday I’ll start a new challenge. I now have a lot more yoga homework to fit in!

Worry
Worries have been stressing me a lot over the past few days. So I really loved our quote of the day:

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

How true! I’ll try to keep this in mind next week.

I Went Swimming!!!

I just have to share the news. Finally, more than two months after I signed up for a gym with a pool, I went, picked up my gym pass (I hadn’t gone since the week I signed up!) and I went swimming.

Earlier today, I gave up on the day and decided to just relax and watch TV. I was feeling sick (allergies, I think) and so exhausted. And the funny thing is, as soon as I took the pressure off myself, things got better. I wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa and watched a movie. And I snacked on fresh cherries and semi-frozen strawberries. (Who doesn’t combine those! 😉 ) The little bursts of flavour were wonderful and my lemon ginger tea great for my congestion.

Partway through the movie, I thought, I feel like swimming. I took out the schedule and saw that there was a late night swim coming up. So I went!

It was so great to get over my mental obstacle and just get in the pool. I lived in pools when I was growing up, so it was nice to go back. I’m not in shape, but I still managed to swim one kilometre in about half an hour. It went well, I kept a good pace (even kept lapping someone) and wasn’t too out of breath. (Although I was a little dizzy when I got out.)

Anyway, I went and it felt good. Now that I’ve finally used the pool there, hopefully I’ll go at least once a week. There’s nothing like a good swim.

So, at the end of the day that I wrote off, I’ve actually done everything on my list except socialize and meditate. Not bad! 🙂

And maybe I’ll be able to sleep well too. *fingers crossed*

Time to finish the movie I was watching earlier. Bye for now xx

So Lazy!

I’ve spent the past two days sleeping. The first day was very warranted. Today, not so much.

This weekend I did my first three days of intensive yoga teacher training and I was so exhausted and muscle-sore that I slept for nearly 24 hours! But I think that’s understandable. It was physically demanding, emotionally demanding, and also involved being “on” for 9 hours a day when I’m not used to that any more. Anyway, I knew this weekend would be tough but I expect that I’ll gradually pick up my fitness and get with it.

Today, I also stayed in bed. But I think it was just laziness. I wasn’t so exhausted today and could have gotten up. But I didn’t have anything I needed or wanted to do. *Danger!* That definitely raises a flag. Obviously I really need to keep up my challenges or I simply just let it all go as soon as I have no specific goals.

But there are some good signs. It’s becoming second nature for me to empty or load the dishwasher while I’m waiting for toast, the microwave or a meal to cook. And I finally got out of bed for dinner and completed and submitted the two job applications that were due by today at the latest.

And I started to do my yoga homework. I’m to notice every time that I criticize myself and try to take a more balanced view.

Anyway, I’ll have to think of a new challenge tomorrow. Also, I really need to organize! My apartment is full of boxes of things I want to sort and haven’t. The clutter is really starting to get to me!

Oh, and finally my muscle soreness is mostly gone. Which means back to yoga or the gym tomorrow!