On the verge of tears

I’m feeling like I’m about to burst into tears. And there isn’t even a good reason. At most, it’s that I feel overlooked by my friends, that I’m not important to anyone. But that is perhaps just my filter… Or it’s perhaps that I’ve pushed them all away. I feel angry for no good reason and feel like self-destructively flaking out on yet another gathering because I just don’t feel I can face it and these people who are supposed to be my friends. Or that they want me to be there anyway.

I can’t get out of this rut. I feel tired and like there is no hope for things to change. Yet I keep having mini bursts of energy and hope, like yes, I can change things. Like I can start running again and lose weight. And I do, but then self-destructively stop and binge on ice cream and hide in my bed.

I’ve closed so many doors lately and and it seems too hard to reopen them.

I’m no longer on the verge of tears… They have come. I suppose I am crying for my loneliness…. But how much of it is self-imposed?

Exercise and Eating Well: This Week’s Yoga Homework

The focus for my yoga teacher training is now on taking care of the body by exercising and eating well. A great thing for me to work on as it matches my goals.

Ironically, though I’ve meant to do more in terms of healthy eating and fitness, I’ve struggled a lot more than in the few weeks prior. I’ve gone to a few yoga classes, but I have yet to make it to the gym. I want to start long distance running again, but that’s a little hard of you don’t actually get out and jog.

I’m not sure what is keeping me from doing these things. Rather than the fruit and vegetables I’ve been meaning to eat, I went for Haagen Dazs and chips for the first time in a long time. And I ate the whole tub all in one sitting! Definitely not eating well.

Today I slept in really late, but I was in a good mood and went to a yoga class. I’m glad I did, because I want and need the exercise, but I’m also upset that I went to that class in particular. I have never been so close to crying in a class in my life!

It was an instructor I had never had before and he had a different style of doing things than most classes I go to. At first I really liked the class because he sang a lot of chants and we did energizing breath work and sun salutations. But then it went all downhill. First, because my legs were shaking in a raised position, I was trying too hard and not doing myself any good. Then, “Can I pick on you again?” Without waiting for an answer he starts telling me how I’m doing another pose wrong. Even child’s pose – “I want you to stretch your back and do the version with your hands beside you.” Fine. I can’t do that variation without props so I got a block under my forehead and did the version he wanted. Then shoulder stand, which I just didn’t want to do. I don’t enjoy it and it’s hard to do until I lose weight. So I did a supported waterfall instead. Same benefits, being inverted with my legs in the air. But no, he couldn’t leave me be. “I don’t like that variation.” He centers me out again to do something else against the wall instead. It was an interesting approach, but I just didn’t want to do it. Why was he pushing so much?! Then there was a squat pose which was okay for a while but then it started to hurt my recovering ankle so I stopped, especially as it was leading to another pose I wasn’t in the mood for today, arm balancing in crow. But no rest for me. “If you can’t do a squat then do a tree pose so that you are still balancing” was the pointed remark to the class but really just for me. By then I was glad I didn’t have contacts or glasses on because I would have been glaring. Much better to just keep him a blur. We moved on to the pose I had requested at the beginning, but it wasn’t the pose I wanted. I forgot the keyword “supported”. Instead we did three non-supported versions, each one harder than the next, because I had requested the pose. I couldn’t do two of three versions. Then there was another pose that doesn’t work for my body, so I did the other option. “It looks to me like you are sloping backwards, maybe you need to do this instead [make it even easier]. Do you feel the twist more?” No. “Yes” just to get him to go away. By the time we reached final relaxation, I almost cried. I was looking to the side for my blanket (I’d forgotten it) – “Relax and stay inside your body…” I was just looking for a bloody blanket to get comfortable! My eyes were watering so I had to keep opening them during savasana (corpse pose) as I didn’t want to humiliate myself by crying in class. No relaxation for me. I couldn’t leave fast enough. Forget about the music questions I had wanted to ask him. I was so pissed and close to tears I just left, without even saying goodbye to a friend I’d run into in the class.

Now that I’m home and writing this, I am crying. I don’t know why. I know I was letting my ego get in the way, but it just felt like repetitive nitpicking for the whole class. Like I couldn’t do anything right.

I guess the class triggered my feelings of insecurity and not being good enough. A mentality that’s really not helpful right now. I need to work on the longer yoga class that I will have to teach next weekend. I feel like such a failure I don’t even know if I’ll be able to centre myself and get back to yoga homework with so many mixed feelings swirling around my head.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this. Why can’t I stop crying about a stupid yoga class?