I’ve been very down and antisocial the past few days. I had a good but exhausting weekend at yoga training. I taught my second class and it went okay. The only thing that went wrong over the weekend really was that I’ve lost my spare keys so I’ve been stressing over that since I have a house guest.
Only one set of keys means planning everything out. Being home at a certain time, not going to yoga if I feel I need to on the spur of the moment. I spent hours and hours over the weekend looking for the keys, ripping my whole apartment apart and putting it back together again. No luck. I probably should have slept instead.
On Monday I had a lot of trouble waking up, despite at least nine hours of sleep. I ended up having to go home at lunch and slept the day away. In the evening I looked more for the keys, to no avail except my further aggravation. I think my friend thinks I’m crazy. I went out for a walk and bought some Haagen Dazs which I snuck back to my room and I ate it all. I don’t know why.
Despite sleeping all day I managed to sleep through the night and I still felt terrible in the morning so I called in sick. God I hope that I’m no relapsing into depression. I hope it’s the allergies, a heavy period and the number of things on my plate because that at least gives me hope that it’s something that will pass once this allergy season ends and my schedule evens out.
I’m wishing my friend away for no reason except that I feel crappy and like to be alone when I do.
Sorry, today’s post is just a pile of complaints. I just feel off and that’s all there is to say.


Bad Decisions

I’m awake at two am as a result of some bad decisions today.

Culprit # 1: Haagen Dazs
I was really craving chocolate today. Perhaps because it’s Easter weekend, perhaps because I’m a chocolate addict.

As the day progressed, my mind began to focus on one thing: chocolate peanut butter Haagen Dazs. I binged a lot on this in the fall. I weakened throughout the day as I failed to meet so many objectives. And then I just did it. I went out and bought Haagen Dazs (and chips and dip too at the last moment). And then I ate it. All. (The ice cream, I mean, though quite a bit of the chips and dip too.)

I now feel a ball of physical discontent inside, keeping me awake and feeling yucky.

Culprit #2: Oversleeping
I’ve been sleeping a lot today. Slept in late. Had a nap. And went to bed early.

Why? I wasn’t tired. The sleeping in resolved that. I was bored. I was procrastinating. I was avoiding.

Culprit #3: Failure
I set myself a challenge for the Easter weekend. I have a lot of work that needs to be done so I broke things down to do a little every day. I didn’t do most things.

I must remind myself, however, that it wasn’t a total failure. While I didn’t do most things, I did do several things I don’t think I would have otherwise. I cleaned. Emptied the dishwasher, refilled it and set it to wash. Vacuumed my room. But the vacuum wasn’t working well – time to empty it. I don’t have a nose and mouth mask at the moment, so I gave up on the vacuuming for the moment. My allergies just wouldn’t be able take that much dust when they are already so aggravated. But I persevered and swept the rest of my place instead. Hopefully a few less dust bunnies will help, allergy-wise. And I applied for a job. I tried to do yoga homework in the form of choosing music for my class. It was terribly unproductive as I couldn’t find anything I liked, but I did try, so that is something.

Culprit # 4: No exercise
I almost went to yoga. But then saw that the studio was closed for Good Friday. Then I thought about going outside for a short jog as a small step towards my return to long-distance running. But I didn’t. Finally, I thought about the gym. And kept putting it off until they were twenty minutes from closing. No time now!


Friday wasn’t the day I’d hoped it would be. But it was still better than last weekend (aside from the Haagen Dazs). So I’m paying a bit of a price now, but hopefully I won’t use that as an excuse to go off plan tomorrow as well.

Mental health day

Today has been a bad day. I had insomnia and was so dizzy when I woke up that I almost fell a few times. So I stayed home today. After I promised myself yesterday that I wouldn’t take any more sick days!

I slept some and now I’m binging on Netflix. Drinking tea. Starting to feel a little more alive.

My yogi tea message is very a propos:

Feel great, act great and approve of yourself.

I tried to act great yesterday and that led to today. So now I must regroup, take care of myself, and try to feel great again. The whole “approve of yourself” is the kicker though. So hard.

Today’s yogi tea message

This weekend sucked. It was my first weekend off and I had all these plans. I had to do some stuff for work but I was going to do it at the gym on an exercise bike and at a coffee shop while sipping a latte. I was going to go to the yoga classes I can’t normally attend while training. I was going to rest and I was going to have fun and recharge.

I didn’t leave the house and barely left my bed.

There was a point on Sunday morning where I almost turned things around. But I think I made a conscious decision not to.

Why do I keep doing this?

My only bursts of activity on the weekend came when I was cleaning on Saturday night and, on Sunday night, when I finally showered and tried to figure out how to do all that I was supposed to have done over the weekend.

Unsurprisingly, I had insomnia last night and then I was exhausted and pretty useless today.

But I did go to work. For me, being there in body is just as important as being there in mind, because attendance is a challenge for me. I only have a few more weeks to this contract, so I’m determined not to miss any more time.

I’m hoping that this weekend was to get the blahs out of the way so that I can actually do stuff on Easter weekend. We shall see.

Which brings me my tea. The inspiring message attached to my yogi tea just now is this:

Those who live in the past limit their future.

So I continue to move forward. But I don’t want to keep repeating the same unhealthy behaviour. So please help remind me on Easter weekend to be active, to live in the moment, and to not procrastinate. Rest does not mean turning into a sloth and avoiding things that will make you happy.

On that note, I’d best get to sleep so that tomorrow makes for a much better day.

DBH xx

From energetic to tired and headachy

Today I woke up bright and chipper. I know, it’s Monday! What’s up with that?

Apparently my weekend of yoga was good for me. I didn’t have my emotional dip. I stayed busy, active and social. I worked towards a goal. It was really tiring, but since I went to bed early, I was actually refreshed come morning.

During the day, however, my mood slowly dipped and tiredness took over. Or maybe it was boredom? After my busy day Friday making plans and strategies, today was the day to talk things out, get feedback, get answers, and to get the go ahead to move full steam ahead. But the people I needed to meet with weren’t there! So it was a long, slow day as I looked for work rather than getting to my main tasks.

And then I had tummy troubles which really weren’t fun, nor a contributor to good spirits.

By the end of the day, I was wiped. I went home, had dinner, and struggled not to fall asleep before 7 pm. In the end, that’s why I went to yoga today. I didn’t do an invigorating class – my muscles really need a break today – but I knew I would fall asleep too early and then have insomnia if I stayed home. So I went to a relaxation yoga class where I could lie about in lots of restorative poses while staying awake.

It seems to have worked. I’m really overtired now and have a headache, but at least it’s now a decent sleeping time that will perhaps let me sleep through the night.

I hope tomorrow isn’t so boring!

I did a Handstand!

Today was a really tough day at yoga. I found myself getting angry, tearful and stubborn. But there were some great points too.

Overall I was really frustrated this weekend because with a special master yoga teacher I felt the class to be too difficult for my abilities. And the constant reminders to be courageous and step up to a challenge left me feeling like a failure and a coward when I couldn’t keep up. It’s amazing the reaction in my body and in my mind as my emotions veered between anger and disappointment.

But there were two great highlights. I really dislike a few poses and there are also a small number that I just think about and say, “NO, not gonna do it.” Two of these poses are handstand and wheel. Today I felt just the same about these two, but then I did both with help!

I’m grateful to some supportive yogis in my group who really encouraged me to give handstand a try. It’s something I never aspired to do in yoga, but with two supporters helping out, it was actually really easy!

Wheel is a pose where you are completely bent over backwards with you hands and feet flat on the floor. I have never been able to get into it and just stopped trying. Today with the assists, I actually managed quite well!

Lesson of the day: We can do so much more than we think we can. Sometimes we need to ignore our worries and fears and just try.

The Self-Saboteur Strikes Again

Despite my fine plans yesterday, I’ve done nothing today. Nothing but sleep and read a novel.

Why? I don’t know. I suspect it is my inner self-saboteur. I have a job interview tomorrow (for a permanent job) and I think it’s underlying worry over that which is putting a wrench in things. Part of my plans for today were to prepare for tomorrow’s test and interview. But I haven’t. And because I haven’t done that, I haven’t done anything on my list. The good old “all or nothing” attitude.

Well. What’s done is done. The best I can hope for is that I treat tomorrow like the new day that it is and just get on with it.

Time will tell.