I changed my mind!

Okay, I decided that doing 30 minutes of cardio a day for 40 days straight was a bit ambitious!

Instead, I want to do the following: Enjoy the rest of summer to the fullest. That does indeed mean exercise, but not necessarily cardio. Today, for example, I walked about for about an hour and a half, enjoying the beautiful day.

I am a very good traveller and have boundless energy when I travel. So I want to apply that attitude to my little “staycation.”

This is my new mantra:

Mantra: It's vacation time. Take 3 weeks to Enjoy & Live each day as if you are Travelling.

Today was a great day. A few hours out in the sun, a couple of movies, and dinner and hanging out with a friend. I really like this idea! 🙂

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Acceptance and moving on

Yesterday’s self-analysis and acceptance were really helpful! I looked into why I spent the weekend in bed sleeping and determined it was due to my old friend “all-or-nothing”. Knowing the issue gives me something to work on in the future. And accepting that what was done, was done, helped me to let it go.

So today was great! I had a restful night and packed all my yoga things to bring to work in my car. I had a productive day with a brown bag lunch and studied for my language test during the lunch hour. I was no longer trying to cram everything in my head. Instead I focused solely on those areas where I knew I had some difficulty. And it was such an effective and peaceful way to prepare!

After work I went to yoga, because I wanted to. I was feeling the lack of it after not going for a week. Because I drove straight there rather than stopping at home first, I had no temptation not to go. And I was early and so had a little extra study time too!

Now that I’m home, I’ve also done some work on the yoga class I’m teaching this weekend. I decided that while my dinner was cooking, I would try out the routine without a script and record the practice by video. Now I can watch to find out when I have time to talk and when I should talk less, and also see where my timing was off so that I can stick to the time limits. (Oh, and laugh at my cat’s guest appearances!)

The moral of the story: Today, I did everything I wanted to do on the weekend (albeit for shorter periods) and with NO STRESS!

Note to self: Don’t burden yourself with plans. Have a rough plan but the flexibility to change it if needed so that you can ditch the all-or-nothing mentality! (I’m sure I’ll need to remind myself many more times. 😉 )

Easy going

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve become pretty easy going. Not so easily ruffled.

This morning I stepped out into the most miserable day, and found out that my boots have a leak as I walked through icy puddles. Swish, swish, swish. And I wasn’t too bothered. I made jokes about it and once I was in the office I left off the shoes for a while to just dry out my feet. No big deal.

And work is really great. I was on my own today but found lots of motivation to get things moving. And while I felt a bit tired before the last hour, thinking it would drag on forever as I’d finished my main project of the day, after the thought passed I found something new to do and the time flew by.

I had yoga this evening and by that point I was quite tired and hadn’t had time to eat dinner either. But the practice was okay (I got a bit mixed up with the teacher’s instructions) and then it was a very relaxed class afterwards with lots of discussion. It felt nice to talk with others about our thoughts, things we find difficult and to realize many of us feel the same. Instead of the exhaustion I felt pre-yoga, now I feel fairly relaxed and ready for a nice long sleep.

At least I hope it is long. Things have been very good for me this week but there is one small concern. I keep waking up at 4 am and then often can’t sleep. It’s like clockwork. I meet with my psychiatrist next week so I’ll have to ask if it’s the Wellbutrin time release again. I may have to change the timing of when I take it so that I can forestall the insomnia.

So that’s it. A really good week overall. But I’m really tired now after my first full week of work so it’s time to get to sleep!

Lost and Self-Absorbed

I’m going home for Christmas tomorrow. I’m sort of looking forward to it, not because it is Christmas, but to get out of my head.

With the end of my job, my schedule has opened up again and I’m lost in the emptiness. I’ve done nothing this weekend. Not even Christmas shop because I just wasn’t feeling into it.

If nothing else, for the week that I am home I will not be able to stay in bed and isolate myself.

I’m sad because I feel like I have lost most of my friends. I think they must be angry that I didn’t go to the Christmas party, the second gathering in two months that I missed. I sent an email explaining and sending everyone Christmas wishes, but only one person acknowledged the email.

I had all these good intentions of reaching out to friends this month, opening up to some about my depression so that they weren’t left wondering why I was suddenly so flakey. But I didn’t ever get around to Christmas cards. I didn’t even decorate this year, let alone make cookies or otherwise engage. So it is good that I am going home so that I have no choice but to engage.

I worry about New Years though. I wasn’t invited to my friend’s annual party… I don’t know if that means they aren’t having it this year or that they didn’t invite me because I ended up cancelling the past two years.

Anyway, all this to say that while I was doing so much better while working, as soon as I didn’t have that anymore I went off the tracks. What happened to the bubbly person of four days ago? The effects of isolation definitely hit me quickly.

I don’t normally make New Year’s resolutions, but I feel like I need to this year. I’m at a turning point, much better overall, but I keep tripping up because I don’t know how to deal with the fallout of extended depression: how to rebuild the friendships I’ve damaged or regain the active lifestyle I dropped.

I think it is all about attitude. Months ago my therapist suggested that I develop some personal mantras. Maybe that is what I will do: develop mantras rather than resolutions for the year ahead.