On the verge of tears

I’m feeling like I’m about to burst into tears. And there isn’t even a good reason. At most, it’s that I feel overlooked by my friends, that I’m not important to anyone. But that is perhaps just my filter… Or it’s perhaps that I’ve pushed them all away. I feel angry for no good reason and feel like self-destructively flaking out on yet another gathering because I just don’t feel I can face it and these people who are supposed to be my friends. Or that they want me to be there anyway.

I can’t get out of this rut. I feel tired and like there is no hope for things to change. Yet I keep having mini bursts of energy and hope, like yes, I can change things. Like I can start running again and lose weight. And I do, but then self-destructively stop and binge on ice cream and hide in my bed.

I’ve closed so many doors lately and and it seems too hard to reopen them.

I’m no longer on the verge of tears… They have come. I suppose I am crying for my loneliness…. But how much of it is self-imposed?

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8 thoughts on “On the verge of tears

  1. kat says:

    im sorry youre feeling so low. maybe sometimes, the changes, the improvements we learn, come slowly, in fits, in starts and stops before they become routine. so just keep hanging in there.

  2. Ellen says:

    Feeling overlooked by friends and that we are not important to anyone is a very good reason to feel bad! It almost seems like you are arguing this in a court of law, whether or not you have a right to your feelings?

    Personally, I’ve found good therapy very helpful for seeing a way forward. I see you as having a whole lot of potential, and hope you can find a way to start working through your issues instead of perhaps hoping they will go away? You have motivation, you have smarts – you may just need the right help.

    Take care now.

    • Thanks Ellen. Yes, I think I should go see my doctor again. We talked about how I’ve been all over the place lately and wondered if perhaps S.A.D. was playing a role. And maybe it’s time to restart therapy. I hadn’t considered group therapy. Something to look into. Thanks for your support. xx

  3. Sounds to me that you are really struggling with depression right now ❤ ❤ please take care of yourself and remeber to celebrate your small victories and be kind to yourself when you have an off day.

  4. I suffered terrible anxiety and depression and cleaning up my diet really helped me. I eat a lot of fish these days. There’s a blog post I recommend reading if you’re suffering from depression. http://walone.ga/coping-with-depression/

    Also you could check this TED Talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/guy_winch_the_case_for_emotional_hygiene

  5. Oh, my friend … it’s over a month since you wrote this. I hope things are better now. XOXO

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