On the verge of tears

I’m feeling like I’m about to burst into tears. And there isn’t even a good reason. At most, it’s that I feel overlooked by my friends, that I’m not important to anyone. But that is perhaps just my filter… Or it’s perhaps that I’ve pushed them all away. I feel angry for no good reason and feel like self-destructively flaking out on yet another gathering because I just don’t feel I can face it and these people who are supposed to be my friends. Or that they want me to be there anyway.

I can’t get out of this rut. I feel tired and like there is no hope for things to change. Yet I keep having mini bursts of energy and hope, like yes, I can change things. Like I can start running again and lose weight. And I do, but then self-destructively stop and binge on ice cream and hide in my bed.

I’ve closed so many doors lately and and it seems too hard to reopen them.

I’m no longer on the verge of tears… They have come. I suppose I am crying for my loneliness…. But how much of it is self-imposed?