I just realized that it has been almost two weeks since I’ve posted something. There are a number of reasons:
– it’s summer and nice out
– I’ve been really busy with work
– I’ve been busy with sports
– I have been feeling better for the most part.
But then I have days like the past two days and I just want to crumble and cry and fall apart.
For the past two days I haven’t been able to get myself out of bed. I don’t know why. I was feeling great until mid-afternoon Saturday. What happened?
My self-saboteur struck again and I basically just made a mess of things for myself.
I had the opportunity to do a lot of overtime this weekend and just couldn’t bring myself to do it. But that is so stupid! I could have banked a lot of hours which would have been very helpful financially. And with a lot of new financial stresses, this would have been wonderful. And what do I do? Barely work and then call in sick today! How is that going to help anything?
I have been a lot better with socialization over the past few weeks, but then caved and cancelled again on Saturday night.
I’m about to start dating this great guy, and all I can think is why is he interested? I’m such a mess and so unreliable.
I’m feeling like I am worthless and never going to get better. I know in the back of my mind that I am being too hard on myself, but that doesn’t help. There are a lot of things that just happened – my contract was shortened, so I’ll soon be jobless again; I have been sick to my stomach a lot, quite possibly due to my antidepressants; I’ve been opening myself up to dating which is inherently stressful to me; I have no idea how I will support myself and pay my debts over the next few months.
But that just makes me feel like I am making excuses again. But I know something is up because I’m breaking out in psoriasis again and unable to stop scratching. How do I manage to crash so quickly?
Sorry for the rant. I feel so useless today. And now my parents are really mad at me for my financial mess. But I somehow got up this evening and got some things done. And some possible financial solutions are starting to come to mind. I also think I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. It’s been about four months since my last visit, and I think I need her support and insight.
For now, I just have to put this aside tomorrow morning, get up, get out of the house and get to work. Fingers crossed.