Despite my best efforts

I feel like I have a hollow head today. Or that everything is hollow except my sinuses and ears. Those feel like they are twice the size they should be.

I slept in but got myself up for a shower and a walk, lunch and coffee. I’m all ready to settle down to work. But my head aches and I just want to go back to bed. Even though I slept tons last night!

I thought I was over my cold, but maybe it was just the relief from the medicine.

I don’t want to disappoint myself and not get my work done. Might snooze for an hour and try again. Gah.

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200 posts!

I was just notified by WordPress that I’ve published my 200th post! And it was about cleaning. Wow, I do know how to run a fascinating blog! 😉

Thanks to all who have been with me on this journey. xxxx

De-dustifying

I slept in late today (i.e. past lunch) and worried I’d be in for another depressive weekend. I’m supposed to get some work done this weekend, so that was hardly the best start.

The good news is that I’m starting to get over my nasty summer cold. But it’s still lingering a bit and today I was struck by a major urge to clean. No need to succumb to allergies right after the cold!

So after showering and going out for coffee, I really went at it. Removed all the clutter I’d piled in my apartment as I was moving things around between my two storage units. Took down the recycling that had piled up. Found that something is wrong with the attachment on my vacuum so I actually went around my bedroom on my hands and knees with just the hose, vacuuming up every speck of dust, cat hair and dust bunnies. I did so much cleaning I actually worked up a sweat, so I’m feeling more energized. Might finally be ready to work soon.

This seems to be quite a routine for me, established in university. I have something I need to study or work on and first thing I have to do? Clean, rearrange furniture, make everything just so. I’m glad to have gotten the urge today, as I really tackled some of the cleaning I’d left half-finished for a awhile. It feels nice to clear those burdens.

Now I’m pausing for a break and some lemonade, but I think this has turned the tide for the weekend and I should be able to stay productive.

Have a great weekend!

The Silent Treatment

My mom is giving me the silent treatment. It’s been four days now and she is deliberately ignoring my emails and texts. She is always connected to her smartphone and on Facebook. She is doing this purposely.

I’m not sure what to do. I mean, definitely I was in the wrong. She has good reason to be mad at me. But I apologized sincerely. I even wrote her a letter and sent it in the mail (she lives far away and I think calling would be too upsetting if she won’t even write). In addition, I’ve already taken a first step to resolve the problem. But it is unacknowledged.

I can’t change the past and make it so it never happened. I can only apologize and take steps to start correcting the matter. I have. But still no response.

I’m starting to worry that I’ve ruined our relationship. Even before this blew up, I sent an email suggesting I would come to visit next month and asked when would be a good time. No answer. My own mom doesn’t want to see me and it’s been six months since we last saw each other!

I don’t know what more I can do. I’ll keep taking the steps I need to take to fix things, but what if she doesn’t accept? It’s like I’m sending things into a black hole. I understand people need a cooling off period, but how long is that? I’ve been ignored for four days now. I guess I can only wait.

Any advice on how to deal with family giving you the silent treatment?

Physically sick

I’m sick with a cold, which I think played a big part in my crash this week. It is good to feel a little more level-headed, but what I’ve noticed a lot today is this: my relief at having obvious physical proof of being sick.

With my never-ending kleenexes, congestion and coughing, everyone was so sympathetic as I returned to the office. Throughout the day people wished me well, hoped I would feel better soon, etc. It was very nice and left a warm feeling.

What a difference from whenever I’ve returned to work after days off due to depression or anxiety! First off, I didn’t feel shamed once I realized I was physically sick. I didn’t come back to the office ducking my head and trying to just do my job without getting anyone’s attention. Secondly, I didn’t have people looking at me with spoken or unspoken judgement: She doesn’t look sick. Must be nice to just take time off when you want. I looked sick. People could plainly see and accept that.

I’m not sure where I was going with this, because I am congested and tired. 😉 But I think it was something along these lines: Isn’t it interesting how much sympathy and support there is for a common cold in contrast to the avoidance, downcast eyes, embarrassment or antagonism encountered when missing work due to mental or invisible illnesses? I mean, really, one has me down for a few days whereas the other has had me down for the better part of five years. Which merits and requires more compassion?

Just a thought.

The self-saboteur is back

I just realized that it has been almost two weeks since I’ve posted something. There are a number of reasons:
– it’s summer and nice out
– I’ve been really busy with work
– I’ve been busy with sports
– I have been feeling better for the most part.

But then I have days like the past two days and I just want to crumble and cry and fall apart.

For the past two days I haven’t been able to get myself out of bed. I don’t know why. I was feeling great until mid-afternoon Saturday. What happened?

My self-saboteur struck again and I basically just made a mess of things for myself.

How so?

I had the opportunity to do a lot of overtime this weekend and just couldn’t bring myself to do it. But that is so stupid! I could have banked a lot of hours which would have been very helpful financially. And with a lot of new financial stresses, this would have been wonderful. And what do I do? Barely work and then call in sick today! How is that going to help anything?

I have been a lot better with socialization over the past few weeks, but then caved and cancelled again on Saturday night.

I’m about to start dating this great guy, and all I can think is why is he interested? I’m such a mess and so unreliable.

I’m feeling like I am worthless and never going to get better. I know in the back of my mind that I am being too hard on myself, but that doesn’t help. There are a lot of things that just happened – my contract was shortened, so I’ll soon be jobless again; I have been sick to my stomach a lot, quite possibly due to my antidepressants; I’ve been opening myself up to dating which is inherently stressful to me; I have no idea how I will support myself and pay my debts over the next few months.

But that just makes me feel like I am making excuses again. But I know something is up because I’m breaking out in psoriasis again and unable to stop scratching. How do I manage to crash so quickly?

Sorry for the rant. I feel so useless today. And now my parents are really mad at me for my financial mess. But I somehow got up this evening and got some things done. And some possible financial solutions are starting to come to mind. I also think I need to make an appointment with my psychiatrist. It’s been about four months since my last visit, and I think I need her support and insight.

For now, I just have to put this aside tomorrow morning, get up, get out of the house and get to work. Fingers crossed.

Pushing Myself to Date

It’s not officially part of my June Challenge, but this weekend I’ve taken steps to re-enter the world of dating. I am so nervous!

It’s been about two or three years since my last date. Depression has really pulled a number on me, and when I started seeing my latest therapist a few years ago, she advised against dating as I was at a crisis point.

I understand the logic there, but I think I also internalized this to support my inner belief that I am not good enough to be loved.

Result: complete retreat from any dating possibilities.

The thing is, it’s very lonely. And I have to overcome my feelings of worthlessness or life will continue to be lonely.

So I’ve joined a dating site to try and push myself back out there. So far I’ve just answered a few questions from some guys. Seems okay. But one touchy point has already arisen. There is a point where you state what would be a “break” for you. A non-starter that would ultimately mean no possibility of a relationship with this person. One of the options is “depression” and this came up with a potential match.

Way to get right to the root of my fears! On the one hand, I’m glad to know this. It means I will not waste any more time getting to know this person. Because while I understand that it’s never fun to be around a depressed person, I would want to know that whoever I was in a relationship with would have my back, would stay through the good times and the bad.

But already I’ve felt so unworthy given my history of depression, so this isn’t so helpful. I can’t imagine there being something that says a history of heart disease, diabetes or cancer would be a ban against you having any relationship. I know that I am in a fairly good place right now, content and ready to resume the things I love. But I’m also taking medication. And I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop. I also can’t foretell the future to know if I will have a relapse.

So I’m glad I’m venturing back out there, but this shows that there will likely be a lot of triggers along the way. I will need to be brave and fight my anxiety and my low self-esteem. I hope I can stay the course!