I am cold

Not in terms of temperature. In terms of emotions.

Today I said farewell to my classmates. We were to do so silently, just starting into each other’s eyes, one-by-one. So many people were tearing up and crying. I felt like I was just staring without feeling anything more than awkwardness. I had a tight, awkward smile on my face. I sometimes did slow blinks to express warm feelings, as I do with my cat. (Apparently that’s one way cats communicate.) I watched eyes that were tearful dry up as we stared at each other. Because of my coldness?

I really couldn’t feel it. I mean, for one thing, I will still see everyone at least a few more times. Some I will still try to see regularly. So I couldn’t really say and feel goodbye. Also, I think I am just cold. I know my sister thought so when I didn’t cry at my aunt’s funeral.

Does that make sense? Being prone to depression and yet unemotional? Maybe it’s the disconnect between me and my feelings that led to depression?

I don’t know. I just know that more often than not, I don’t feel strong connections to people. A protection mechanism? A side effect of my lack of trust?

Something to think about.

Feeling so out of shape

I’m ready to go back to the gym. I mean, I’ve been paying for it since the fall, but for whatever reason (insane yoga hours and tiring work situation, financial stress, etc.), I haven’t been going. What a waste!

Now that my work situation is somewhat sorted, I’m noticing the lack in the fitness department. I mean, I’ve been doing bits and pieces about once a week, but generally nothing strenuous. I noticed I was really out of breath yesterday just talking while walking up stairs.

And this is the summer when I really want to get back into running.

So I’ve made a decision. Starting tomorrow I will go to the gym in the morning before work. Nothing too extensive, probably alternating between a half hour of running or swimming. The good thing is that the gym is on my way to my new job. (Another one of my previous excuses.)

I decided to go in the morning because I’ve been so tired lately, crashing when I get home from work. I’m hoping a quick run at the gym will energize me in the morning and that I can carry on from there.

I’ve packed my gym bag and work clothes and put them by the door. Hopefully that will make it easy for me to stick to my commitment tomorrow morning.

It always starting that gives me the most trouble, so the aim for tomorrow is to just do it. Good thing my Nikes are packed. ­čśë

When the Stress Goes

It is time to turn over a new leaf. The job stresses that have been plaguing me for over a year have ended. I’m still financially stressed, but at long last my job security has been established.

Today I feel so strange. The overwhelming preoccupation of the past year has been this: find a job. I have. I’m still a little under-employed from where I was pre-layoff, but I have a secure job that will open many opportunities for internal advancement.

I will need to maintain my mental health so that I don’t lose my job, but other than that, I’m okay.

This week I want to just bask in that. Today I am going for a much needed massage.

But there are many things that I put on hold while focussing on my health and work this year. My life. My friends. Dating. It’s time to start living again.

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It’s not so easy to do as it is to say. My anxieties will need to be dealt with. But I’m ready to start trying, I think. That’s a lot more than I’ve been willing to do in a long time.

So this isn’t a euphoric post about how my troubles have ended. But rather, it is a realization that I have re-established my base of security. The crisis is over. The underlying issues will now have the opportunity to try to work themselves out. A daunting yet inspiring prospect.

Loss of Interest in Favourite Activities

One of the major symptoms of depression is the inability to be interested in anything. Not even your favourite things. During the worst of my depression, I was either indifferent or I dreaded the outings that normally gave me so much enjoyment.

Today I started┬áone of my summer sports. And I’m so happy to feel the difference between this year and last! ­čÖé

For the last few years, I’ve been backing out of practices at the last minute because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’ve been resenting the responsibility and time commitment (even though I had a pretty empty schedule!). I just didn’t enjoy going out, meeting up with my team and being active. I sometimes went through the motions, but I wasn’t engaged.

Even though I was exhausted today, I went out and I had a fantastic time. I feel very excited about the season and I think it will be a lot of fun. I’m looking forward to getting to know┬ámy new team mates and catching up with old ones.

I don’t have any advice on how to find your normal enjoyment in favourite and everyday activities. I can only say this: pay attention. If you find you don’t care about any of your favourite things, it’s a very strong sign of possible depression. Stop to assess what’s going on and seek help if needed.

It’s been many years, but┬áwith┬átherapy and the right medication, I’m once again happy to get back out there. ­čÖé

Holding the frayed ends of my rope

I am exhausted today. Bone deep tired. It’s all I can do to keep my eyes open.

There are so many things I “need” to do today. A full day of training. Finish my exam. Refresh and recharge so that I can make it through a busy week that will likely have lots of overtime and pressure.

I can’t do it.

I’m am okay with admitting that. So I’ve made some choices today. I need to take care of me. I will of course finish the final bits of my exam. I will go to training and I will be present and learn. But today I’m leaving all the physical practice aside. I know how I’ve been the past few yoga weekends. I’ve been sick with exhaustion. My most important priority this week is finishing my work project and not dropping the ball just before the goal line.

I still feel exhausted. But I feel a little bit empowered by this decision too. I am listening to the current state of my body. I know from experience what pushing more will lead to – burnout. So today is all about satisfying my minimum objectives and taking care of me. Because I will probably have to go the extra mile all week, and that’s just not possible if I burn myself out today.

Sunny Day!

I’m sitting outside in the sun! And it’s warm enough not to need my jacket! We are finally nearing +20 C! Can it be that spring is arriving?

I’m making a point of soaking up the sun as it is so overdue! And just being outside is part of my stress management plan. ­čÖé

Today is a little calmer in the office. And I came in to find a thank you note from my supervisor. I guess she appreciated my efforts to be calming yesterday. ­čÖé

The days fly by now as I have so much to do, but I’ll be sure to keep taking these outdoor lunch breaks. It’s so wonderful to feel the warming sun and a slight breeze.

I meant to do homework now. But I will see this as my “other” yoga homework. Taking time for me to feel balanced and at peace.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to close my eyes for a bit. xx