I’ve been very down and antisocial the past few days. I had a good but exhausting weekend at yoga training. I taught my second class and it went okay. The only thing that went wrong over the weekend really was that I’ve lost my spare keys so I’ve been stressing over that since I have a house guest.
Only one set of keys means planning everything out. Being home at a certain time, not going to yoga if I feel I need to on the spur of the moment. I spent hours and hours over the weekend looking for the keys, ripping my whole apartment apart and putting it back together again. No luck. I probably should have slept instead.
On Monday I had a lot of trouble waking up, despite at least nine hours of sleep. I ended up having to go home at lunch and slept the day away. In the evening I looked more for the keys, to no avail except my further aggravation. I think my friend thinks I’m crazy. I went out for a walk and bought some Haagen Dazs which I snuck back to my room and I ate it all. I don’t know why.
Despite sleeping all day I managed to sleep through the night and I still felt terrible in the morning so I called in sick. God I hope that I’m no relapsing into depression. I hope it’s the allergies, a heavy period and the number of things on my plate because that at least gives me hope that it’s something that will pass once this allergy season ends and my schedule evens out.
I’m wishing my friend away for no reason except that I feel crappy and like to be alone when I do.
Sorry, today’s post is just a pile of complaints. I just feel off and that’s all there is to say.


A Fabulous Day :-)

Today was such a wonderful day! It’s like these great things are percolating and ready to burst forth. At least I hope so!

My contract was extended at work so I’ll be employed for another month. Yay!

I’ve been sought out by a recruiter and have a job interview tomorrow. It sounds really promising and right up my alley, so I hope it works out! Better yet, it would be for something permanent. I so long for some stability.

I ran into an old colleague at work. We’ll meet for coffee and maybe she has some job leads too.

A friend from out of town may be getting a new job here so she might stay with me for a month or two and chip in for rent. (Finances are so tight it would be a great help and she is good company too.)

I went to yoga and ran into no less than five people from my training program. And we weren’t even taking the same classes. 🙂 (Oh, and I had a very intense and great class, with no tears whatsoever!)

I’m super excited right now and I really hope that I can get the new job. (Hopefully I haven’t jinxed myself by talking about it!)

It’s nice to be excited because otherwise I would be so anxious! I teach my next yoga class in four or five days and I’m so far from ready! Eeek!

Time for some television to calm down, then back to the books. 🙂

(Are there enough exclamation marks in this post? 😉 )

Slowly energizing

Today has been a good day. It started off slowly with a lazy morning sleeping in (still a bit upset over yesterday), but after lunch things really picked up.

I went through all the job notices I had in my inbox and printed out a handful to apply to. (Work on finding new job: check.) Then I packed up my yoga homework and went to a coffee shop to work. (Go outside: check) The latte did the trick and I worked some on my yoga class. I also read a chapter in the textbook on meditation because I want to include a guided meditation at the end of my class. (Yoga homework: Check)

Then I went back to my yoga studio, scene of yesterday’s disaster. Same room even. But I had a completely different class and teacher so I was able to get rid of the bad vibes and refresh. (Exercise: check) (Centering: check)

I’m now back home for dinner and have a lot of work still ahead of me to flesh-out my yoga class and meditation, but I’m feeling energetic and engaged, so I’m sure I will get some things done.

I’m also so happy to end the weekend on an upswing as it will make such a difference waking up for work tomorrow.

For now, back to my homework!

Exercise and Eating Well: This Week’s Yoga Homework

The focus for my yoga teacher training is now on taking care of the body by exercising and eating well. A great thing for me to work on as it matches my goals.

Ironically, though I’ve meant to do more in terms of healthy eating and fitness, I’ve struggled a lot more than in the few weeks prior. I’ve gone to a few yoga classes, but I have yet to make it to the gym. I want to start long distance running again, but that’s a little hard of you don’t actually get out and jog.

I’m not sure what is keeping me from doing these things. Rather than the fruit and vegetables I’ve been meaning to eat, I went for Haagen Dazs and chips for the first time in a long time. And I ate the whole tub all in one sitting! Definitely not eating well.

Today I slept in really late, but I was in a good mood and went to a yoga class. I’m glad I did, because I want and need the exercise, but I’m also upset that I went to that class in particular. I have never been so close to crying in a class in my life!

It was an instructor I had never had before and he had a different style of doing things than most classes I go to. At first I really liked the class because he sang a lot of chants and we did energizing breath work and sun salutations. But then it went all downhill. First, because my legs were shaking in a raised position, I was trying too hard and not doing myself any good. Then, “Can I pick on you again?” Without waiting for an answer he starts telling me how I’m doing another pose wrong. Even child’s pose – “I want you to stretch your back and do the version with your hands beside you.” Fine. I can’t do that variation without props so I got a block under my forehead and did the version he wanted. Then shoulder stand, which I just didn’t want to do. I don’t enjoy it and it’s hard to do until I lose weight. So I did a supported waterfall instead. Same benefits, being inverted with my legs in the air. But no, he couldn’t leave me be. “I don’t like that variation.” He centers me out again to do something else against the wall instead. It was an interesting approach, but I just didn’t want to do it. Why was he pushing so much?! Then there was a squat pose which was okay for a while but then it started to hurt my recovering ankle so I stopped, especially as it was leading to another pose I wasn’t in the mood for today, arm balancing in crow. But no rest for me. “If you can’t do a squat then do a tree pose so that you are still balancing” was the pointed remark to the class but really just for me. By then I was glad I didn’t have contacts or glasses on because I would have been glaring. Much better to just keep him a blur. We moved on to the pose I had requested at the beginning, but it wasn’t the pose I wanted. I forgot the keyword “supported”. Instead we did three non-supported versions, each one harder than the next, because I had requested the pose. I couldn’t do two of three versions. Then there was another pose that doesn’t work for my body, so I did the other option. “It looks to me like you are sloping backwards, maybe you need to do this instead [make it even easier]. Do you feel the twist more?” No. “Yes” just to get him to go away. By the time we reached final relaxation, I almost cried. I was looking to the side for my blanket (I’d forgotten it) – “Relax and stay inside your body…” I was just looking for a bloody blanket to get comfortable! My eyes were watering so I had to keep opening them during savasana (corpse pose) as I didn’t want to humiliate myself by crying in class. No relaxation for me. I couldn’t leave fast enough. Forget about the music questions I had wanted to ask him. I was so pissed and close to tears I just left, without even saying goodbye to a friend I’d run into in the class.

Now that I’m home and writing this, I am crying. I don’t know why. I know I was letting my ego get in the way, but it just felt like repetitive nitpicking for the whole class. Like I couldn’t do anything right.

I guess the class triggered my feelings of insecurity and not being good enough. A mentality that’s really not helpful right now. I need to work on the longer yoga class that I will have to teach next weekend. I feel like such a failure I don’t even know if I’ll be able to centre myself and get back to yoga homework with so many mixed feelings swirling around my head.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this. Why can’t I stop crying about a stupid yoga class?

A Liebster Award!

liebsteraward-april 2014
On April 3, I received a Liebster Award! As you can see, I procrastinate on the good stuff just as much as the stressful stuff. 😉

Thank you so much, SusannaAntiHero! I truly appreciate the award and am touched that my blog is something that you enjoy reading.

Here are the Liebster Award rules that I was given:

1. Link back to the blogger who nominated you.

2. Answer the 11 questions they gave you.

3. Nominate 11 other blogs with less than 200 followers.

4. Let those blogs know that you nominated them by leaving a comment on their blog.

5. Give your nominees 11 questions to answer.

These are the questions that I was asked to answer:

1. What made you decide to start your own blog?

I had a really difficult year that started with being laid-off. I found a new job, but then I was fired for the first time ever. My depression seemed to be getting worse instead of better and I was struck by the idea of blogging as a way to entice me to journal. I’m so glad that I did!

2. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

I’d love to be able to teleport myself to different places in the world. I love to travel and it would be so great to skip the jet lag and just blink my eyes and already be there.

3. What is your favorite book and why?

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. Mostly because I love the title!! But I like how it brings another time and place and so many characters to life. It is funny, sad and touching.

4. What would be your dream job?

Travel writer. I would love to be paid to travel the world, to learn about different cultures and to suggest how others might conduct their own journeys.

5. What is something you’ve always been afraid of?

I’ve always been afraid of letting down my guard. It is really hard for me to relax around others as I’m always in self-protection mode.

6. Who is your famous person crush? (Doesn’t have to be a movie star, but definitely can be)

Hmm, I actually don’t pay much attention to the rich and famous. But if I had to pick someone, I’d say Bradley Cooper. He’s gorgeous and did such an amazing job in Silver Linings Playbook.

7. Do you believe in the supernatural and if so have you ever experienced any occurrences?

No, I’m pretty down to earth.

8. What is one of the last movies you’ve seen that you really loved and one that you hated?

I loved Hunger Games: Catching Fire, mostly because I loved the books and I think that Jennifer Lawrence is a brilliant actress.

I hated the Great Gatsby. I already knew the story and just couldn’t get into the movie. I turned it off and never finished watching it. I was annoyed by the modern music for a period piece. The twenties had such fun music, I don’t know why they didn’t use any of it. Boardwalk Empire does a good job with this.

9. If your place was burning down and you could save one possession, what would it be? (Let’s say all the people and pets with you are safe)

I’m not very tied to material things. Probably my computer as it has all of my photos on it.

10. What is something you really like about yourself?

That’s a tough question for someone who struggles with depression! I’d have to say my openness to new things, new places and new experiences.

11. And last, tell me an interesting/random fact about yourself.

I’ve been to more than 30 countries and I eventually want to see the whole world.

Here are my questions:

1)      What made you decide to start blogging?

2)      What is the most interesting place that you have visited?

3)      Are you an animal lover?

4)      What is your favourite thing to cook?

5)      What is your favourite band/song at the moment?

6)      What is your favourite activity for recharging yourself?

7)      What is something you have always wanted to do, but haven’t yet done?

8)      What is your favourite television show and why?

9)      Where do you see yourself in five years?

10)   What is an interesting talent that you have?

11)   What is your dream job?

It turns out that many of the blogs that I follow have more than 200 followers and have already won many awards. So I’ll nominate five blogs instead of 11. 🙂

One Depressed Mama:

  • I relate a lot to her posts and find them to be really insightful. She is also very warm and supportive. 🙂

Mydnyht Rantings:

  • I just started following this blog, but I really like Aurora’s insight and quirky sense of humour. She is “differently-abled but still awesome.” 🙂

Cinnamon Kittens:

  • She posts wonderful pictures of baked goods and is inspiring me to get back into running.

Dearest Depression:

  • This is one of the first blogs that I started following last fall. We’ve had some great conversations on depression, readings we’ve done, etc. I love Nicole’s dedication and positive spirit.


  • This is another blog that I just started to follow. I like how Ava G. tries to put a face on mental illnesses and I also really like her style of writing.

I hope that you enjoy these blogs as much as I do. 🙂

(PS: To the others who have given me awards, thank you so much! I’m hoping to respond to those soon! 🙂 )

A “nice to myself” day

After the mistakes of yesterday, today I took steps to make things better.

It started a little iffy because I didn’t get out of bed until lunch, but then I felt a nice lightness when I did get up (partially because my meds weren’t late – I took them when I was up to feed the cat).

I had a shower and then lunch. I saw the nice juicy tomatoes I bought the other day, so I had a toasted tomato sandwich. Mmmm.

After that I went to yoga. It wasn’t a strenuous class by any means, but it got me out of the house and then moving which felt great.

Then I really spoiled myself. I splurged and got my first facial since I was in Asia. I’d thought about it for a few days this week because my skin was so dry and unhappy, especially with all of the allergies. I was feeling unkept and tired looking at work. And I worried a little about wasting this weekend and not leaving the house.

So I decided to treat myself. I needed to relax and be pampered and feel good about myself. I didn’t want to keep pointing my tired, red face out at the world. Especially if I need to gear up for interviews. As it stands right now I have two more weeks of work. They *might* extend again, but no more than a month at most as the project will be done by then.

Luckily there are quite a few jobs to apply to this week so I’m trying to apply to one per day this weekend.

So here I am. I’m hungry for dinner but after that I want to tackle some of my homework. Fingers crossed that the energy extends that far!

Do you find doing something nice for your outer self to be helpful to your inner self?

Bad Decisions

I’m awake at two am as a result of some bad decisions today.

Culprit # 1: Haagen Dazs
I was really craving chocolate today. Perhaps because it’s Easter weekend, perhaps because I’m a chocolate addict.

As the day progressed, my mind began to focus on one thing: chocolate peanut butter Haagen Dazs. I binged a lot on this in the fall. I weakened throughout the day as I failed to meet so many objectives. And then I just did it. I went out and bought Haagen Dazs (and chips and dip too at the last moment). And then I ate it. All. (The ice cream, I mean, though quite a bit of the chips and dip too.)

I now feel a ball of physical discontent inside, keeping me awake and feeling yucky.

Culprit #2: Oversleeping
I’ve been sleeping a lot today. Slept in late. Had a nap. And went to bed early.

Why? I wasn’t tired. The sleeping in resolved that. I was bored. I was procrastinating. I was avoiding.

Culprit #3: Failure
I set myself a challenge for the Easter weekend. I have a lot of work that needs to be done so I broke things down to do a little every day. I didn’t do most things.

I must remind myself, however, that it wasn’t a total failure. While I didn’t do most things, I did do several things I don’t think I would have otherwise. I cleaned. Emptied the dishwasher, refilled it and set it to wash. Vacuumed my room. But the vacuum wasn’t working well – time to empty it. I don’t have a nose and mouth mask at the moment, so I gave up on the vacuuming for the moment. My allergies just wouldn’t be able take that much dust when they are already so aggravated. But I persevered and swept the rest of my place instead. Hopefully a few less dust bunnies will help, allergy-wise. And I applied for a job. I tried to do yoga homework in the form of choosing music for my class. It was terribly unproductive as I couldn’t find anything I liked, but I did try, so that is something.

Culprit # 4: No exercise
I almost went to yoga. But then saw that the studio was closed for Good Friday. Then I thought about going outside for a short jog as a small step towards my return to long-distance running. But I didn’t. Finally, I thought about the gym. And kept putting it off until they were twenty minutes from closing. No time now!


Friday wasn’t the day I’d hoped it would be. But it was still better than last weekend (aside from the Haagen Dazs). So I’m paying a bit of a price now, but hopefully I won’t use that as an excuse to go off plan tomorrow as well.