Things I’m Grateful For

Today, I’m so happy – I think I got a new job! It’s limited to a few months but doing exactly what I want to do so it should be a great launch pad back to a permanent job. Now I just have to be patient while the paperwork goes forward. 🙂

I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude lately. In part from my yoga training and in part because I’m starting to feel better. So I thought I’d take a moment to look at the bright side of life.

I am grateful that:

  • I seem to finally have the right combination of medications to combat my major depression and anxiety.
  • I am skilled and even though I don’t currently work, I know that I can.
  • I am strong and gaining fitness.
  • I have come to terms with my mental illness and am ready to work with it rather than against it.
  • Throughout this year of uncertainty, I’ve had a safe and relaxing home environment.
  • I’m learning compassion for myself. I’m a good person.
  • I have the opportunity to learn more about yoga and I will be able to teach it one day.
  • I have friends who care about me.
  • I have a family that cares about me and that has supported me financially in my time of need.
  • I found the most wonderful cat at an animal shelter and she is so affectionate. A true blessing.
  • I’ve been openminded and met a difficult year with a lot of grace. I’ve made the most of my situation.
  • I was able to travel to the other side of the world this year.
  • I’ve discovered the joys of blogging and this wonderful little mental health community that we’ve created.

And perhaps best of all, I know there are more things. But I’m hungry so I will end this list here. 🙂

I hope you all have a great day!


Wish Me Luck!

I have another interview. That makes for two in the next week. And I still haven’t submitted the other application I had mentioned. I hope this is a sign of good things to come!

The first interview is tomorrow. And I’m not feeling nervous at all. Strange.

Today’s been a good day. I still haven’t developed my next challenge, but the day was productive nonetheless. I went out to get groceries again after yesterday’s fiasco. (Hmm, I just realized I wasn’t even angry yesterday when I realized at the checkout that I’d forgotten my wallet. I just kind of rolled my eyes at myself. 😉 This is good.)

I had a latte too. But I still felt “sleepy” in the afternoon. I’m not sure that I really was. But in any case I didn’t have a nap. Just rested with my lavender pillow for 15 minutes and then went about errands and cleaning and other things that kept me moving. I also did a lot of yoga homework. I’m starting to think about the short class plan that I need to create. I think the theme will be a short routine for depressed people to do in the morning to ease them out of bed and slowly energize them. That’s what I need, anyways! 😉

I didn’t exercise today, but otherwise I accomplished a fair bit.

Now I think it is time to go to bed early to be fresh for tomorrow’s interview. Wish me luck! 🙂

The Sunny Side of the Street

Today I had a slow start, sleeping until 11 am after a restless night. But after that things really improved.

I showered then went out to get a latte to perk up. It was -15C or more, but the sun was out and it was so nice! I walked on the sunny side of the street, soaking up some vitamin D, and it wasn’t cold at all! I think I’ll need to start doing little things like that in the morning, some little excursion outside (even by car), just to get things started. I seem to work by momentum.

Then I went online to talk to a friend in Europe. It’s a really good friend, but I flaked out on so many talks this past year because of depression. We had a wonderful time catching up and, as a bonus, I also had a chance to catch up with family in Europe too.

Then I had a bit of an energy dip and contemplated a nap. But when using the “truth” lens as I need to do for my yoga training, I knew that I wasn’t really tired. I was just procrastinating on a job application because I’m really interested and afraid of rejection. Also, I was bored.

So I resisted the nap and put together my cover letter. I also contacted someone I knew that worked there to try to get a leg up.

Then I went to yoga. Only two days since my intensive weekend of yoga. My recovery time is definitely picking up!

Finally, I thought to be extra productive and get groceries too while I was out. Sadly that didn’t work out. Silly me, I went to the store, picked out all my groceries and got in line only to realize I had forgotten my wallet!! So I ended up with no groceries, just a bit of extra walking.

Oh, and I found out about a job interview next week.

So, slow start, but I’m getting back into the swing of things with just a day’s blip in between. This is good. 🙂

The Good, the Bad and the Hope for Better

Good things today:

  • I wasn’t as sore as I was after my first yoga training weekend, when I hurt for days.
  • I wasn’t as tired as I was after my first yoga weekend, when I slept for nearly 24 hours.
  • I watched a new show that I like.
  • Made progress on yoga homework.

Bad things today:

  • Didn’t do anything I planned on doing.
  • Woke up at 10:30 am when I was aiming for 8:30 am. I very consciously turned off the alarm.
  • Had a lengthy nap in the afternoon when I wasn’t really tired – I was bored and procrastinating.
  • I didn’t shower, dress or leave the house.
  • I didn’t start writing the cover letter for the job that I really want to get. Too afraid of failing and so I procrastinated.
  • Didn’t do any exercise or even stretches for my sore muscles.
  • Didn’t set up my new challenge.

Hope for better:

  • I’m definitely making a faster recovery than I did from my first yoga weekend. It gives me hope that I’ll get things going tomorrow and not fall into a trough of hypersomnia.

Are You Truthful to Yourself?

My new yoga homework is to consider the role of truth in my life. Am I always honest to others? To myself? When I am untruthful, is it hurting someone? Is it hurting me?

Blogging, for me, is about telling my truth. Because for so long I’ve kept it bottled up. So with you, I try to be completely honest, even when it is hard and unflattering.

But in my daily interactions with others? I once would have said I was a very honest person. But then along came depression and I think I stopped being so in some respects. I started lying about my feelings. I started lying about why I didn’t make it out to an event or to work or to meet friends. In my mind there was such a stigma about mental illness that I didn’t want anyone to know. So I lied.

It is interesting to consider whether these untruths hurt someone. Yes. They hurt me. By wearing a mask I put more pressure on myself and withdrew from my friends and family to keep people from suspecting the truth – that I was very depressed and anxious. I held myself back from admitting my problem to myself and from seeking help in the early days. Instead, I had to reach a full blown crisis and literally have a meltdown before I recognized the symptoms. And even then, I still wouldn’t admit the truth to anyone else except my doctors.

So the next few weeks will be interesting. I want to focus on when my body or mind reacts strongly to things. With anger, avoidance, a sick feeling or whatever. And then I want to consider if it is because I’m being untruthful to myself. I think that’s the case. For example, a few days ago I wrote about the terrible and stressed way that I felt about saying yes to a potential job opportunity. Then I realized that I was only thinking of saying yes to simply get a job but that everything inside me was screaming no. It wasn’t a good pay. It wasn’t the field I wanted to work in. It wasn’t a topic of interest. And they wanted a two-year commitment. My whole body was saying no while I contemplated saying yes, and the result was that I had a mini relapse into depression. Yes, I know I need to find work. But if I’m going to do so without falling into another depression, it needs to be work that I will be able to dedicate myself to. The last thing I want is to struggle with more absenteeism and shame.

Are you always honest with yourself and others? What does it mean to you to live your truth?

Being Present

I had another full day of yoga training today. The morning was great but physically exhausting when added to the workouts of yesterday and the day before. By afternoon, I had checked out. My body was in class but my mind scattered about. I was cranky, tired, and even angry too!

I guess I had reached my limit. I’m hoping as time goes by I’ll be better able to handle these intensive weekends. My plan to try to help in this regard is threefold.

  1. I need to get up each day by 8:30 am. If I really need it, I can have a nap of up to one hour in the afternoon, but more and more I need to maintain a schedule as if I had a 9 to 5 job, so that I’m ready for when I do get one.
  2. I need to go to bed at a decent hour. Wind down starting at 10:30 pm and bed by 11:30 or midnight.
  3. I need to maintain daily exercise and incorporate more cardio into the routine. I need endurance to get through these exercise-heavy weekends, so it’s time to start adding gym time to my routine as well as more energetic yoga classes.

For now, nothing I can do about today except to let it go. Deep inhale, EXHALE.

A Fantastic but Exhausting Day; and a Note on Worry

Today was a full day of yoga teacher training. I don’t think I’ve ever done so much yoga in a day. Or maybe it just seemed so because the focus was on poses that really got the quads shaking. Warriors, crescent lunges, chair poses, extended side angles, oh my! And so many sun salutations!

But despite all the work and all the information in, I feel amazing! Another reminder to myself: exercise invigorates me more than it tires me. It’s unbelievable how it switches me from being depressed, stressed and apathetic to a cheerful, energetic person. I can feel the blood pumping faster and everything just working better.

I have nothing else to do today but relax and go to bed early because tomorrow will be just as long. On Monday I’ll start a new challenge. I now have a lot more yoga homework to fit in!

Worries have been stressing me a lot over the past few days. So I really loved our quote of the day:

Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.

How true! I’ll try to keep this in mind next week.