A Whirlwind of a Week

Hello! Sorry that I’ve been offline for the past week. It was a really crazy time with some terrible moments and some surprisingly great ones. I’m tired right now from all the travel but I will update you soon.
Hope you are all doing well!
Hugs and kisses xoxoxo

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Lost and Self-Absorbed

I’m going home for Christmas tomorrow. I’m sort of looking forward to it, not because it is Christmas, but to get out of my head.

With the end of my job, my schedule has opened up again and I’m lost in the emptiness. I’ve done nothing this weekend. Not even Christmas shop because I just wasn’t feeling into it.

If nothing else, for the week that I am home I will not be able to stay in bed and isolate myself.

I’m sad because I feel like I have lost most of my friends. I think they must be angry that I didn’t go to the Christmas party, the second gathering in two months that I missed. I sent an email explaining and sending everyone Christmas wishes, but only one person acknowledged the email.

I had all these good intentions of reaching out to friends this month, opening up to some about my depression so that they weren’t left wondering why I was suddenly so flakey. But I didn’t ever get around to Christmas cards. I didn’t even decorate this year, let alone make cookies or otherwise engage. So it is good that I am going home so that I have no choice but to engage.

I worry about New Years though. I wasn’t invited to my friend’s annual party… I don’t know if that means they aren’t having it this year or that they didn’t invite me because I ended up cancelling the past two years.

Anyway, all this to say that while I was doing so much better while working, as soon as I didn’t have that anymore I went off the tracks. What happened to the bubbly person of four days ago? The effects of isolation definitely hit me quickly.

I don’t normally make New Year’s resolutions, but I feel like I need to this year. I’m at a turning point, much better overall, but I keep tripping up because I don’t know how to deal with the fallout of extended depression: how to rebuild the friendships I’ve damaged or regain the active lifestyle I dropped.

I think it is all about attitude. Months ago my therapist suggested that I develop some personal mantras. Maybe that is what I will do: develop mantras rather than resolutions for the year ahead.

Self-Perception

I was at a networking social gathering this morning and was quite shocked: someone described me as bubbly and actually switched spots at the long table just to come listen to me and all the interesting things I had to say. There were other people we were also chatting with, but the individual said repeatedly that they had come over so they could talk with me.

Bubbly? If only you knew how anxious and depressed I’ve been for most of my life. Moments like that stick out and make me stop to think. How is it that some stranger can immediately form an opinion that I have a bubbly and exciting personality, when I myself think that I am dull, apathetic and tired? Is it that I’m someone with brief bright moments amongst the darkness? Or am I overly self-critical and unable to really see myself?

Even online here, a few of you have mentioned that I am so positive…. But I think that I am negative.

I do struggle a lot with self esteem. Particularly when it comes to relationships. I can’t see how any guy would be interested in me, let alone love me. I am so often alone because I think that I am not good enough for other people, that I have a recurring mental illness and who wants to put up with that? I’m also overweight, so I feel ashamed, to the point that I even avoid friends. I think I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, fit enough, etc., etc.

I find it difficult to fit these impressions together. But I’m so tired of being lonely. I need to stop pushing people away because I judge myself to be unworthy.

How do I find a healthy self image? How far along do I need to heal first? They say that you are in a bad place to start a relationship when you are depressed. But how do I know that I’m well enough? Because my perfectionist tendencies think that is such a long long way off. I’m so pessimistic that I think I’ll never be able to find that special someone.

Have you struggled with self image? What have you found to help you build a positive self image?

Jobless Again

My work contract has now ended, so I’m once again unemployed. But at least this time it ended when the work was complete, rather than me being fired after being sick.

I’m also so happy to say that I had 100% attendance for this job and I was never more than five minutes late. I can’t even tell you when or if that happened before. Certainly not within the last 6 years. It makes me more confident that I’m on the mend and can once again be a valuable employee. 🙂

The trick now will be to keep up the momentum with job applications (while not overwhelming myself). Tomorrow I will meet a networking group in the morning and then I definitely have to go to the gym or to yoga. I’m so out of shape, and now I can’t use “no time” as an excuse. Plus, I need the energy boost. And I saw a new job posting that would make a good fit for me, so I need to apply to that by the weekend.

Then I’m taking a week off to visit my family. Which can be good or bad, and will probably be both. The joys of serious alcoholism in the family…

Oh! And I’m pampering myself a little with massage therapy on Friday. I can’t wait, it is such a great stress reliever! And no job definitely = stress.

And I suppose I’d better start Christmas shopping. Only 6 days left to shop!

Bye for now.

Procrastination

Procrastination. Oh, how you are not a good coping mechanism!

My anxiety frequently leads me to avoid and put things off. And then I get stressed finishing things up before the deadline.

It always tends to cost. Today I had to submit a job application and I wasn’t sure about the meaning of some questions. If I hadn’t procrastinated, I could easily have asked what they meant. But as it is the last minute, I had no choice but to guess. Blah.

So, note to self: Stop procrastinating!!!

I’m sure I’ll write more on this another day. For now I really need to go to sleep. Tomorrow starts extra early with a pre-work visit to my shrink.

Good night, sleep tight! (Unless you are on the other side of the world, in which case have a wonderful day!)

A Better Day

Just a quick post to say that today was a much better day. I listened to music while working and it made the processes speedier and more fun. I even danced a little in my chair (hopefully while no one was looking!).

I’m really tired now but I can’t go to sleep yet. I have to finish this bloody cover letter for a job that closes today. Why, oh why do I procrastinate so much?!

Please send me brainwaves as I’m fading fast. Thanks, my friends! 🙂

So Cranky!

I’m feeling so cranky today! I suppose the day started well enough but it got worse as the day went on. I almost snapped at my boss!

It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt so cranky. Mostly my mood has been pretty good lately, with a few days where I was apathetic, but never angry. I’ve also had a bad headache all afternoon.

Perhaps this lingering cold/allergy is getting to me. Or maybe it’s a side effect of melatonin? To help transition to waking up for a much earlier start at work, I took a melatonin last night to help me go to sleep at a decent time. I woke for a bit at 5 am but otherwise my sleep was okay. It could also be my stress building up – in a few more days I’ll once again be unemployed. 😦

Or it’s the fact that I was working on some new things at work. And whenever I ran into a problem, my colleagues would just do the work for me instead of just saying what went wrong so that I could fix it. I don’t like people treating me like I’m stupid. It wasn’t really their intent, but that’s when I almost snapped.

Since then it was just an afternoon that dragged on and was made worse by a headache.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better! It’s my last week at this job and I’d hate to leave on a bad note after all my hard work! It’s the first job I’ve had in years where I haven’t missed a day.

Anyway, I just had to get that out of my system. Thank you for indulging me in my rant. 😉