I’m going home for Christmas tomorrow. I’m sort of looking forward to it, not because it is Christmas, but to get out of my head.
With the end of my job, my schedule has opened up again and I’m lost in the emptiness. I’ve done nothing this weekend. Not even Christmas shop because I just wasn’t feeling into it.
If nothing else, for the week that I am home I will not be able to stay in bed and isolate myself.
I’m sad because I feel like I have lost most of my friends. I think they must be angry that I didn’t go to the Christmas party, the second gathering in two months that I missed. I sent an email explaining and sending everyone Christmas wishes, but only one person acknowledged the email.
I had all these good intentions of reaching out to friends this month, opening up to some about my depression so that they weren’t left wondering why I was suddenly so flakey. But I didn’t ever get around to Christmas cards. I didn’t even decorate this year, let alone make cookies or otherwise engage. So it is good that I am going home so that I have no choice but to engage.
I worry about New Years though. I wasn’t invited to my friend’s annual party… I don’t know if that means they aren’t having it this year or that they didn’t invite me because I ended up cancelling the past two years.
Anyway, all this to say that while I was doing so much better while working, as soon as I didn’t have that anymore I went off the tracks. What happened to the bubbly person of four days ago? The effects of isolation definitely hit me quickly.
I don’t normally make New Year’s resolutions, but I feel like I need to this year. I’m at a turning point, much better overall, but I keep tripping up because I don’t know how to deal with the fallout of extended depression: how to rebuild the friendships I’ve damaged or regain the active lifestyle I dropped.
I think it is all about attitude. Months ago my therapist suggested that I develop some personal mantras. Maybe that is what I will do: develop mantras rather than resolutions for the year ahead.